Forgive me Mother/Father, for I have sinned. I missed a day!
Yesterday was my first day back to work after a week and a half hiatus!!! Good for my soul and bad for my bank account...
So many people have emailed me with requests to re-visit my "History Teaching Days"...seriously folks, those were dark days for me...this is how I cope with adversity----Laugh the pain away! Laugh the pain away! Comedian by night (insert plenty o' wine) Tragedian by day (insert hang-over). Is it any wonder that I drove to school bawling and slamming my steering wheel, blubbering out the same plea every bleary-eyed morning? "Don't make me goooooooooo! Don't make me goooooooooo! Don't make me goooooo!" Who was I talking to? God? Are you there? It's me, Tara...
Hello?
(I once heard that "pain" was God's megaphone. Over and Out big guy, LOUD AND CLEAR!)
When I started teaching the infamous History class, they had just finished a 2-week period of different supply teachers everyday! Bonus --- so THEY rule the class! I'm sure those teachers only had one thing in mind - (Don't die. Don't die. Don't die.)
So needless to say, I entered a real life version of "Dangerous Minds" --- and my goal was to inspire them just like Michelle Pfeiffer did! With History --- (oh there's gotta be comedy in there somewhere...) Hello? I teach DRAMA and DANCE! and like--- FUN STUFF! What is this? I don't remember ANY of this...which doesn't seem to be a problem for them...the first assignment that I TRY to collect either didn't get handed in OR I felt like I was playing cryptic-quote to decipher what the HECK was on the page!
(class starts at 8:50)
By 9:10am - Typical Scenario:
"F**K, F**K, F**K YOU! YOU F**KING C**T BYTCH! F******************K!!!!!!! (slams door on way out, breaking glass window!)
"Sweet!, Does anyone else want to join him?" (Don't ask that unless you mean it!)
Again, needless to say, I had to be a bit of a "tough act" for the first month. And we did find some sort of structure --- THEY LOVED IT WHEN I READ TO THEM FROM THE TEXT BOOK!----AND THEY LOVED COPYING OUT DEFINITIONS!---AND THEY LOVED FILL-IN-THE-BLANK WORKSHEETS THAT MATCHED PAGE NUMBERS FROM THE HISTORY SCRAP BOOKS! Ah yes...we were having a gay ol' time! (And the "Teacher of the Year" award goes to.....SOMEONE ELSE! (Don't die. Don't die. Don't die.)
So one day, I am reading from the text book (just to try something new), and the class starts losing their minds laughing.
Me: What's so funny? (probably paranoia on my behalf that I just pronounced something wrong??? --- Treaty of Versailles? Vimy Ridge? WHAT?)
Them: Look at the picture Ms.!
Me: What?
Them: Never mind! (giggle giggle giggle)
Me: OK, are we finished?
Them: Yep
Me: (Resume reading...)
Them: (giggle giggle giggle---FULL ON LAUGHING THEIR FACES OFF!)
Me: Why do you guys need SO MUCH ATTENTION???? What is going on?
Them: (suppressing giggles galore!)
Me: Let's try to be mature! (Scanning the picture for anything that might be considered "dirty" ---- but it's just a photo of Barbara Ann Scott in her skating get-up...and I see nothing! --- so I continue to read from the text book)
Them: (Peeing their pants laughing. Faces red! Tears coming down their faces ---- I have clearly lost control!)
Me: What is SO FUNNY? Just tell me! In fact, I enjoy a good laugh too!
Them: Ms., look at the picture!!!!!!!!!!
Me: What?????????? I don't see anything! ( I start scanning the usual suspect areas --- breasts, loins... and maybe there's a shadow on her bikini line, and they might think it's hair?????) Oh, come on guys!!!! It's just a shadow!!! Grow up!
Them: Ms.!!!! She's got CAMEL-TOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: (I look back at the picture, and they are right! She has camel-toe! ---- And I know that I am supposed to be the mature one, and I'm probably not even supposed to think that this is funny....but when 2 or more gather???!!!...good times! I lost it! I laughed so hard, I almost squirted! Of course, it was like laughing even though you know you are going to get into trouble....like I was TRYING TO STOP....but I couldn't! And when I finally did----I opted for reading from the text again ---- only to stop one sentence later to close the book crossing my legs in laughter---which of course encouraged theirs.....and we were one big LAUGHING FAMILY!!!
I am wholeheartedly convinced that the "camel-toe" moment bonded us for life, and they REALLY didn't seem to give me any trouble after that...in retrospect, I wished that it was some inspiring heart-warming tale of breaking walls down and such...but it's NOT! So that is that! Perhaps it made me more human in their eyes to see me breaking with laughter unable to stay focused (much like their entire existence)! And to this day, when any of these students pass me in the hall-way, they just whisper , "Camel-toe!" --- And they know that the DUFFY -LAUGH will be a guarantee!
Peace, Love and Barbara Ann Scott!
xoT.
14 comments:
Tara,
I've been perusing your web log here in a vain attempt to gain a glimpse of your sanity. I must say, a few things concern me. First and foremost, you have yet to mention me once...whereas I mention you several times a day. Secondly, Cameltoe is a serious medical condition afflicting many of our favourite figure skaters, gymnasts, and dare I say...drama teachers. I would expect you of all people to show more restraint on such a serious matter. Furthermore, I think you should know that this "blog" has given renewed meaning to my life, filling the void between cardio and free weights during my strict workout regiment. You have made me laugh, and for that I am indebted.
Enjoy yourself...don't forget about me and the magic we still share, if only in my heart.
Geoff.
Oh G-Off!
You know I adore you! And if memory serves me correct (and I know it does!)...here are the drama/dance attire comments from one of my favourite students:
Ah, Ms. Duffy, nice track suit!--- 1984 is down the hall and to your left!
and...
Where did you get that track suit Ms. Duffy? Stitches?
Remember how the first comment sort of hurt my feelings, but mostly made me laugh and the second one made me burn so bad I ignored you for the rest of the day?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
Ahhh yes....the magic that we still share...
Sunday was a brand new day, and so, we all went out to play. By Monday it was all mundane, so trickery was Tuesday's game. Wednesday we declared a war, and Thursday was just full of gore. Friday left us bloodied whores and on Saturday we counted our dead. "Never again", is what we said. But Sunday was a brand new day, and so, we all went out to play.
Yesterday, Came Suddenly and Tomorrow Never Knows, that's why the only way to stay at peace is to Let it Be While My Guitar Gently Weeps :)
Lady Madonna, I am the Walrus -
and Something about the way you are going about this blog is pure Revolution!
By the way, aren't cameltoes cruelly comedic??
Check this out:
http://www.cameltoe.org/
"Toe Canada, We stand on Guard for Thee!"
http://www.cameltoe.org/womens08.html
I dare say that there is nothing better to start my day than a good ole fashioned camel toe story, followed closely by a parade of track suit (I am POSITIVE they came from Stitches) wearing girls sporting their own version of said toe of camel.
Simply lovely.
Ahhhh hahahaha!! Ohh Tara. Your methods of bonding with stundents are without a doubt one of a kind. Keep up the good work. And I still believe to this day that Barbara Ann Scott was the reason you were never shot in that class. Thank heavens for figure skaters :)
not that I am obsessing or anything, but is this the historical image in question?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Barbara_Ann_Scott_stag_leap_1947.jpg
I think the link that greengardener was trying to post was this... (some of the link you put got cut off)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Barbara_Ann_Scott_stag_leap_1947.jpg
check it out.. haha
Woah.. .ok.. as did mine when I posted it... ok.. after Barbara_ there is
Ann_Scott_stag_leap_1947.jpg
Great job acting in my movie in Tuesday night! When your fans see it, I'm sure they will realize it was well worth missing a day of writing the blog. :-)
ON Tuesday night, I meant. Sorry, I sliced off the tip of one of my fingers today so it's hard to type.
Duffy Duffy Duffy....
Your history class antics always put a smile on my face---
You put a smile on my face....
Danny Huh called, he wants you to come back to Yongin City---- "I wear my sunglasses at night...."
Hugs and ESKIMO KISSES!!!
Orr
Josh! I had a thrill of a time as well! You are one FUNNY dude!
Orr! We have to find a way to scan that picture of us...you know where you can actually tell by looking at our faces that we are ACTUALLY peeing our pants in action!
I could tell the story ---but the picture just says soooooo much!
I will scan that picture and get it to you.....
makes me laugh thinking about it....
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