Juicy's Audition

OMG!!!! I am so super sorry!!! I know you’ve probably had a long day, but so have I----gosh you wouldn’t believe the day I had and I know that ‘technically’ I’ve missed my audition time---but it’s not ‘technically’ my fault….and I flew all the way from Flippety-Flop Nowheresville for the sole purpose of this audition----gosh, I will just die if you don’t let me audition… (steps into spotlight –looks into the light) Pardon? Oh thank you so much---you won’t regret it! Oh, ok---my slate, right. So do you want just my name or my name and my agency? Oh ---ok…

Hi, I'm JC ---like as in J-period, C-period----and like I know what your all thinking right? Like JC as in Jesus Christ---but no, it doesn't stand for that---it doesn't ---because--it just doesn't ok? I mean, for a while there I went through a faze where I un-capitalized my name so as not to be offensive to Jesus, but like I’m totally over that now…(looks up) no offense - Upper case J dot Upper case C dot, ----I just don’t do it anymore, out of respect to myself, yeah, SUB-versive!….. Anyways my name is actually pronounced JUICY ---get it? JC - JUICY---as in "I'm juicy! I don't care what you say. I'm JUICY!"

(steps forward looking into the light) Pardon? (pause) oh right, sorry----just my name and agency---right sorry, sometimes my mouth just goes on and on and on-----and that causes me to be…

tardy? ----what a great word eh? ‘Tardy.’ Say it, it’s totally a fun word to say. I love words. I am a connoisseur of words if you will. Yeah, I collect them. But only the totally fun ones, like I would NEVER collect a word like ‘math’ (shudders – and continues to gag herself…)…..but words like ‘lickety-split’ ---how can you not be happy when you say that? OR ---‘Bangkok’ ----that’s like a 2 for 1 deal, or ‘thespian’---makes me giggle every time, cause you know what I’m really thinking right? (whispers LESBIAN…) Or ‘Pescetarian’ – which I’m not sure if you know this but it’s like a vegetarian only they eat fish…yeah, SUB-versive…. (steps forward and looks into the light) pardon? Oh right, sorry, my bad---name and agency --- right. There goes my motor mouth again. It’s because I’m a red-head. Yeah all red-heads are total leaky faucets when it comes to verbal diaherra . But I totally love being a red-head. I mean NOW I do. But when I was a kid it was doom-some. (which side-bar --- is another totally fun word to say….DOOMSOME --- it kinda reminds me of Dim sum---which I totally love right?) But the teasing and the torture - it just wasn't fair. But "fair" is such a subjective word, right? "Red headed woodpecker" - I mean lets face it, anything that ends with pecker, is just not cool. "Freckle face, carrot top", to which my cleverest reply was, "Carrot tops are green!" ohhhhhh, that was a good one, I really told them eh?! But like I said I totally love being a red-head NOW cause red-heads have more fun. Yep---just like my shirt says. At first, I totally wasn’t going to buy this shirt, because it’s red. And anyone who's a red-head can totally attest to this ---- redheads are NOT supposed to wear red, cause apparently it clashes with--- US. I am SO brave!!!
Peace, Love, and I Heart Juicy so much it hurts!!!
xoT.

A Poem by "Emo-Porn Star"!

I am so sad.
It's like (porn) for me.
Sometimes / all of the time...
I read my journals over and over in order to cry.

I am so (emo).
I can't say words in their entirety.
Much like the future generation.
Like "emotional" is just TOO long of a word to say.

I am so funny.
That I provoke much use of (lol).
Lonely Or Lost?
This device has been helpful for morons who don't know what to say.

I am so lost.
I need a short-cut from conversation - (BRB).
Bring Rhonda's Booze.
Who the bleep is Rhonda and WHY is she just giving booze away?

I am so lazy.
pre-tense is just an extra added feature.
I'm still in my "(vay-kay)" mode...
and I can't say the whole word or it would lose it's effect.

I am so numb.
(WTF)???
Who's The Freak?
Where's Waldo when you need him?

I am so bored.
And that makes me unable to spell!
It's (re-dick)!
(LOLOLOLOLOL)---Dick who?

I am so fake.
(O-M-G)!
I tell everyone they are my (BFF)!
People listen better when they sense that you like them...

I am so tired.
Being a famous (emo-porn) star is draining...
But I love that everyone knows my (411)!
Current Status: Ecdysiast-ic!!! (LOL)

I am so lonely.
Here's the (sitch):
I have Myspace, Facebook and E-blogger...
(FTW)! Well, the real one anyhow...(LOL)

Peace, Love and Flushing out the Character (please post any potential story-lines or vernaculars that "Emo-Porn Star" might be partial to...)
xoT.

Meet ASS-MAN!

I'm an ASS man!
No---I'm not an ass---I'm an ass MAN--- you know?
I like the junk in your trunk----your badunkadunk! Mmmm. Boo-yah!
Here's the D.L. - when I see a fine lookin' Betty swingin' her onion --- I be trippin and cupcakin' yo ---Dee-ZAM! I'm like hold up!!! HOLLA! Yo! I gotta axe you something --- Why don't you come over here and gimme some a dat candy girl?
Oh SNAP!!! so that's the dilio --- you be 06in --- well I'm down with that - Fo SHEEZY!!!
How bout you and your B come back to my crib so you both can show me a little sumpin sumpin...oooooh you was frontin---well das coo --- cause she's all BOOTYDOO anyhow - Fo REAL!!!!! A-aight! Well don't get all up in my grill ---Be easy---what you trippin for? I didn't say you was fugly!---Fo rizzle! If ya ain't gonna let me hit it---then I'll roll---
Peace out!

So I'm back at my crib and me and my boo were just choppin it up and chillin'...you know---keepin' it real -- but then my squad shows up and theys fienden to shoot some hoops right? But my girl---she's fienden for something else--you feel me?
So my G says -- Stop parlaying over there and let's bounce brother---
And I'm like - For shiggidy my weeble!---and oooweee-- my girl was trippin' -- I was like---somebody needs to turn on the heat cause it is BRICK in here! ---- Later doll! ---
so I throw on my biscuits ---kiss my little hoochie goodbye--and she loves me so she lets me off the hizzle---But when I get to the court---I hook up with some dip-sets -- so I bail on my homies and get bent with these hos ---Oh snap! and we be dancin in the club and they all wantin' me to check up on it---And I am FLOSSIN yo! mmmmm butta ---
But then they all like punkin my moves ---I'm like girlys -- You perpetrating! - I own that move---Don't make me school you!
I thought you was slammin --- but yous is skanchy!!!!Get in that raggedy ride you came in and step off! Then these wanksters start trippin on me and I'm all like - You mad doggin me? I'll whoop you so bad your cousin will cry!!

Man ---my day has been WACK!

Peace, Love and Sketch Character #2 ("Ass-man" is duking it out with "Emo-Porn Star"...she's coming soon to a BLOG near you...)
xoT.

Meet Juicy!

Hi, I'm JC ---like as in J-period, C-period----and like I know what yer all thinking right? Like JC as in Jesus Christ---but no, it doesn't stand for that---it doesn't ---because--it just doesn't ok? it's actually pronounced JUICY---as in "I'm juicy! I don't care what you say. I'm JUICY!"

Umm...yeah, yeah, so I just bought a whole wack-load of lululemon stuff, and you KNOW how those clothes just like suck right to your body right? Like I'm all like---I'm right here---no secrets---like now you see me---and now--you see me right? So anyways I was watching myself in the mirror right? And I was thinking that I looked super hot right? Like a "Yummy Mommy"---that's SO juicy! I'm SO juicy-----except that I'm not a mom--and I'm not having a baby...Gosh, I'm not even married...but I have this belly like I gave birth to Ronnie McDonnie's little "big-extras" --- So NOW---I go to "YOGA FOR MOMS" ---yeah, yeah cause it makes me feel better about my belly---like it's not because I'm a fat-ass slob---ok? Like it's not because I scarf down Ronnie McDonnies everyday---Ok? It's not---cause it's just not! It's cause ...I'm pregnant...yeah, yeah...I'm a "yummy mommy"---so now, when I go to yoga classes----I don't have to get all paranoid about my belly hanging out when we are doing the "warrior poses" ---cause like----we're ALL pregnant here---hellllloooooo? Yeah, yeah, it makes me feel a lot better about my belly. Yeah, yeah, it makes me feel more PURE -- yeah , I'm having a baby...a little extra juice here! (pats belly)

So yeah, the reason why I could even buy all that Lululemon jazz is cause I totally got a discount-right? --- cause my friend is like the ambassador of one of the Lululemon stores---yeah---the AMBASSADOR--her picture is up on the wall right at the entrance---and like she's a dance teacher and she totally abides by the Lululemon lifestyle right? like breathing in fresh air and drinking lots of water and stuff, and I'm sure it doesn't hurt that she's totally hot right? So, anyways they give her all this free stuff and she has to report back on it---like "these pants didn't wash so well----yeah, like first time I did--they were 'see-through' after that---yeah, so that's not gonna be a good look for the downward dog position...right?---or say she's dancing in class, right, and her shoulders have those indent lines on them--she'll tell em straight up---the straps are WAY TOO TIGHT on this shirt"....so like that's basically her job as the AMBASSADOR of Lululemon...I was soooooo JEALOUS right? Like right away I started thinking about what I could be an ambassador of?

And then it just totally hit me---oh my gosh I'm perfect for it....
The LCBO----helloooooo ?????

oh my gosh, can you imagine---just getting boat-loads of free booze??? ---and MY picture would totally hang over the wine section cause like that's my thing right? wine---yeah, yeah, like I'm total wino!!!----
And I would be all like---"so yeah THIS one makes me feel funny...and not ha-ha...
And this one leaves like "grape koolaid" stains right here (fingers on mouth corners)...
And this one tastes like ASS---

(drunkenly) yeah, well I'm the DAM-ASS-ADOR! And I don't care what you say!
Cause I'm JUICY!

Peace, Love and Sketch Character #1 Baby!
xoT.

I LOVE WEDNESDAYS...

According to the "Bible" - this is the day that the SUN and the MOON were created...
According to "Astrology" - I am a MOON CHILD...
According to "Kant" - Always tell the truth...

According to "You" - WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING???

I'm glad you asked.

I have been busy trying to create my 3 characters for the NEXT COMEDY LEGEND audition.

Please post any "Sketch Character" suggestions OR remind me of any "characters" that you might have witnessed me "slip into" over the years - - I HAVE been known to dabble in multiple personality disorders...(and as Shaggy would say: "It wasn't me...")

ANYWHOSERS -
So I was practising my "1st character monologue" for my friend Taz in the History office --- when I noticed Clara Godfrey (a U of T student-teacher doing her practicum in History and Philosophy --- who by the way has been a wonderful addition to the History office---she is FUNNY and very TALENTED --- check her out under MYFRIENDS!) pretending not to listen. Well, more 'truth'fully she was TRYING to plan her Grade 12 Philosophy lesson ---but this crazy red-head was taking up WAY TOO MUCH SPACE...

So, when I finished my piece...

Clara: "So--- is this your 'thing' to make it BIG TIME?"

Tara: "Honey, you obviously don't know who I am ---- I AM BIG TIME!"

Clara: "Well here then, you'll have to autograph my Kant..."

LA LA LA! --- YOU CAN IMAGINE WHY MY LISTENING SKILLS TURNED OFF HERE!

Tara: Autograph your WHAT???" ( and then she passes me her planning notes on "Kant")

"Ohhhhhh...THAT 'Kant'---right..." (what was I thinking?)

Peace, Love and It's the 'Peak of the Week' Wednesday! (Hump Day)
xoT.

LEARNING...

Learning: is the process of gaining understanding that leads to the modification of attitudes and behaviors through the acquisition of knowledge, skills and values, through study and experience.

Check THIS out! (Kudos and thanks to Crystal, Jessica, and E-ron!)

AND--- I am SO auditioning for THIS!!! (squeal - squeal - squeal ---I AM SO EXCITED!)

Peace, Love and I'M JUICY, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY---I'M JUICY!!!
xoT.