As I drive in the morning to school (1 hour plus) I quite often drift in and out of a buffet of discovery and thought. This morning I realized that I am an LTO of life.
So here's the acronym breakdown (because I too hate when people speak in them...while you nod and try to de-code everything they are saying....meanwhile losing track of what they are actually trying to communicate...)
LTO -- is a Long Term Occasional teaching contract. This means you are not a full time member of the board. You are required to act as though you are in every possible way however when they are done using you, they do not have to give you another position nor do they have to pay you for holidays etc.
This is the main means of the TDSB (Toronto District School Board). And one certainly has to question what kind of future they are trying to build. Occasional equals non-permanent.
And this got me to thinking about how everything in my life feels non-permanent. Although I have had wonderful romantic relationships in the past and have always been a long term relationship kind of gal---I have never been a permanent one. I enter knowing there will be an exit (probably dramatic). I long for the connection and security of a long term relationship, yet I fear the finality of PERMANENCE or "happily ever after". I also have never lived in a city longer than 2 years as an adult. I have this insane 2 year itch. (I gotta go----I'm fading in----Must leave---Grass will surely be greener!!!)
AND IT NEVER IS...
My whereabouts are boundless.
I thought it was what I wanted.
What I needed.
How I thrived.
Unattainable seeks ball and chain...
Peace, Love and S.N.A.F.U.!!! (L.O.L.!!!)
xoT.
1 comment:
Are you a mountain topper? Screaming at the summits but ignoring the valleys and the long treks up the sides of the mountains? Fulfilment comes from making a plan and working for something- like your one year plan. But perhaps one year is not enough. Or perhaps you are just too used to mountain topping- scooping the highs- have you worked for them? I don't know you- I don't know if you have. But I do know that mountain topping is easy. But it becomes empty. Like lovely relationships that last only a year. The hard part is three years. And forty. they say in marriage there is many deaths, and it is true. Death of preconcieved notions, sometimes death of the self- leading to rebirth, reawakening and a focus on what is truly important. We define ourselves so narrowly, it usually is rather dramatic when we refocus. I travelled all over the world looking for something- and finally accepted that the things I sought were within, and harder to find then just showing up someplace. It's a lifelong journey that is very hard but so much more rewarding that wandering. The things I value cannot be "found", only built, and only I can build them to my specifications. A long term relationship is hard. Many times it is lonely. But the good parts are so good and amazing that it balances. And if it doesn't then you can make it balance. You make your own life. You don't find it. The grass is never greener elsewhere. You are just the same person in a different place, and the things you try to leave behind are within you- they go with you everywhere- and make you want to leave again. It is those things that you must face, and you can do that anywhere.
I thought of it as finding home. Where was my home? Europe? Africa? Asia? North America? And then I found it- turns out I'm a snail. Can go anywhere and be at home. Seems stupid, but it took so long to find my shell...
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