Nothing-ness

I stare at F1 through 12. And I can think of a lot of things to curse. Insert. Meaningful state of being. Delete. Dead-end relationships. End. Dead-end relationships. Home. I wish I could be there right now. Page up. Page Down. The Pager. Pause/Break. Forum theatre could teach my personal scenario a thing or two. Enter. Into my Belly. Up. My sleeve. Down. My rainbow. Left. Everything goes in a box where? Right. If you say so. Shift. My thinking. Control. Less. Backspace. I do. Escape. Where?

Peace, Love and Keyboards!
xoT.

Shoulds

I should have went to Ecuador with O. I should have braved through teaching an English class or two. I should have banished McDonald's from being my part-time lover. I should have taken my frustrations out in the gym instead of the bottle. I should have never been introduced to credit. I should have spoke my mind a lot sooner. I should have learned my lesson the last time. I should have gotten off the hamster wheel ride. I should have been more morally sound. I should have been less lazy. I should have said no to N. I should have been less scared. I should have listened more. I should have talked less. I should have said sorry.

Peace, Love and Everything happens for a reason... right?
xoT.

Sleepy-ness

I love the "ness" words like: Yum-ness, Good-ness, Yes-ness...

But tired-ness is what I feel.

I can hardly make the drive home without falling asleep at the wheel-----and remember people I am driving home at 3:30pm!

-----WHAT-NESS?

And then upon arrival home-----I can barely make it past 6ish----and I am making my way to the bedroom...(I'll just watch a little bit of TV...) and then the phone rings and I startle awake and think---'for gosh sakes ----who is calling at this gosh-forsaken time?'---and then I notice the clock and it's 7:15pm----

-----WHAT-NESS?

Yes, I am falling asleep before 7ish.

Is this behaviour:

normal-ness? average-ness? common-ness? regular-ness? habitual-ness? routine-ness? standard-ness? typical-ness? usual-ness? accustomed-ness? ordinary-ness? methodical-ness?
natural-ness?

OR

sick-ness? delicate-ness? down-ness? dragging-ness? feeble-ness? ill-ness? run-down-ness? unsound-ness? unwell-ness? weak-ness? depressed-ness?

Peace, Love and Sweet Slumber!
xoT.

A Snowy Day Initiates...

Tea with an old chum. A good book in an easy-boy chair. An afternoon nap on the couch. A game of scrabble with a sweetheart. A cup of hot chocolate with marsh-mellows. Gazing into the fire with a glass of red wine. A sweaty love-fest. A walk through the park all wrapped up in your favourite warm scarf. Pajamas and an entire season of a new TV series on DVD. Writing and writing and writing every last uninterrupted thought. A catch-up conversation on the phone. A big bowl of chili and garlic bread. Turtle-neck sweaters. Cozy-ness. Comfortable lounge pants. Looking at old photos. Watching the snow fall while listening to your favourite music. Tobogganing. Skiing. Making a snowman. Snow-angels. Noticing your exhalations. Thinking. Painting. Singing. Dancing. Playing. Flipping through magazines. Making mixed CDs for people you adore. Playing dress-up. Dealing with clutter. Cuddling. Skipping out. Baking. Discovering new recipes. Surprising someone. Doing a yoga video. Facebook-ing. Scrap-booking. Reading the paper in your favourite neighbourhood cafe. Meeting friends for fancy coffee. Crafting a love letter. Remembering. Scratching things off your list to do. Spending time in your local library. Blogging. Low Attendance. Working on crossword puzzles. Hibernation. Slowing down. Bus cancellations. School Cancellations (yeah right!). Planning winter get-aways. Romantic notions. Silly-ness.

Peace, Love and the Winter Welcome Wagon!
xoT.

Mental Health

I just finished watching a dramatization on Gambling with my grade 11's in the Cafetorium. Although I was more than happy to have someone else entertain the little hoodlums, I also found the experience raised some unrelated questions for me.

At first the presentation was being up-staged by the dish-washers in the cafeteria----and my first thought was---I'm jealous of their job...WHAT? I'm a teacher and I want to be a dish-washer??? YEP!

Then when I finally adjusted to the constant interruption of voices and clanging of dishes in the cafeteria---- I thought, noooo....I'm jealous of their job----Yes-- the performers.

And then I thought...(back to the clanging dishes)....Hey those sounds remind me of summer camp----I want to go back to summer camp----maybe I can get a job at some summer camp this year----or wait----no----I want to join Habitat for Humanity and go help out some 3rd world country----you know, become more 'others-centred' and less 'self-centred'...and then I thought nooooo...I definitely want to finish writing MY show and perform it here in Toronto this summer----so yeah back to ME...

And then it hit me-----this show is shit! I can't believe these people get paid to travel and perform---duh---EXACTLY what I WANT TO DO-----and here I am wardening the masses in Scarlem shit-spectating-----I could do a better job with my students as the performers...yep, no jokes!

And then my thoughts were interrupted by an explosion of laughter....and I think---oh no I've missed something funny---shit ---I LOVE to laugh----but then I remember where I am and I immediately KNOW that whatever it was-----it probably won't be funny to me...and there it is again---the laughter that is------and this is what had our audience in stitches----every time the presenters mentioned the CENTRE FOR ADDICTION AND MENTAL HEALTH---the students would bust a gut at the word MENTAL.....yep...true story.

Travel and Perform---those were the days...I long for another tour.

Peace, Love and go MENTAL!
xoT.

L.T.O.

As I drive in the morning to school (1 hour plus) I quite often drift in and out of a buffet of discovery and thought. This morning I realized that I am an LTO of life.

So here's the acronym breakdown (because I too hate when people speak in them...while you nod and try to de-code everything they are saying....meanwhile losing track of what they are actually trying to communicate...)

LTO -- is a Long Term Occasional teaching contract. This means you are not a full time member of the board. You are required to act as though you are in every possible way however when they are done using you, they do not have to give you another position nor do they have to pay you for holidays etc.

This is the main means of the TDSB (Toronto District School Board). And one certainly has to question what kind of future they are trying to build. Occasional equals non-permanent.

And this got me to thinking about how everything in my life feels non-permanent. Although I have had wonderful romantic relationships in the past and have always been a long term relationship kind of gal---I have never been a permanent one. I enter knowing there will be an exit (probably dramatic). I long for the connection and security of a long term relationship, yet I fear the finality of PERMANENCE or "happily ever after". I also have never lived in a city longer than 2 years as an adult. I have this insane 2 year itch. (I gotta go----I'm fading in----Must leave---Grass will surely be greener!!!)

AND IT NEVER IS...

My whereabouts are boundless.
I thought it was what I wanted.
What I needed.
How I thrived.
Unattainable seeks ball and chain...

Peace, Love and S.N.A.F.U.!!! (L.O.L.!!!)
xoT.

Looking on the BRIGHT side...

As the Monty Python song would sing: "Always look on the bright side of life!" (whistle whistle whistle whistle...)

And I am. That is my goal for today. To be positive.

Yes. (well that's a start right?)

I have first period prep.
I therefore have last period prep as well.
Wednesday is hump day.
Only 2 more days until Friday.
I am going to 'Princess' (girls doing Prince covers) tomorrow night with some of my fav. peeps.
I haven't see my students yet.
I have 10 more minutes of silence.
Thank you.

And speaking of bright---I drive into the east in the morning and the west in the evening. That's a lot of BRIGHT-ness in my eyes.

Time for new sunglasses! There is nothing glamorous about choosing new sunglasses is there?

Select a pair.
Put them on.
Lift the tag that falls directly in the centre of your face.
Which by the way blocks your sight...
IRONIC?
Alanis Morissette thinks so...
Look into that tiny mirror and try to picture how you would look without your hand between your eyes.
It's hard to tell what you look like when you're cross-eyed...no?
Sometimes, for extra fun, I accidentally stab my eye with the tag...
It's hard to tell what you look like when you're bleeding from the eye-ball...no?

Peace, Love and Brightness/Luminance/Radiance!
xoT.

SNAFU

So, I've created this silly little alternative to complaining. Whenever I catch myself complaining (see: all the time!), I simply interrupt myself with a repetitive noise that sounds much like the voice of the teacher on Charlie Brown.

It serves it's purpose: to remind me to laugh it off and to admit to others (and myself) that I am aware of how much I complain. (Wann-wann-wann...)

So forgive me for contradicting my preamble...but if I just write "wann-wann-wann" through this entire blog, it probably won't hold your interest and you certainly won't be able to empathize or sympathize or apologize or ...whatever!

I am in such a BAD mood! I haven't been able to tap out the "why?" just yet...

WAIT FOR IT...
WAIT FOR IT...
WAIT FOR IT...

S. N. A. F. U. !!! Yes I am in a total SNAFU!

Teaching = Situation Normal
Crack-Babies = ALL F-ed UP!

I have to remind myself that it's not their fault. I have to remind myself that they are extremely needy. I have to remind myself not to take it personally. I have to remind myself to take one day at a time. I have to remind myself that their self-esteem is incredibly low. I have to remind myself that this is a learning experience. I have to remind myself not to take things for granted. I have to remind myself that I am only one person. I have to remind myself to be patient. I have to remind myself to breathe. I have to remind myself not to give up so easily. I have to remind myself to practise what I preach and leave my own "shit' outside of the classroom doors. I have to remind myself to use my "acting skills". I have to remind myself to suck it up. I have to remind myself that June is only 8 months away. ONLY?

So...when one brave student questions: "Mzzzzzzzzz.....why are you so bitchy today?"

I think to myself...

WHAT?? Why are you picking on me? Why you gotta call me out like that? I wasn't doing anything! What? Just 'cause I''m not smiling like a freaking pig in poop? Just 'cause I'm not trying desperately to engage you with my enthusiastic - energetic - expressive - superhero teacher-ness???----now--- I'm BITCHY???? Maybe if you tried smiling at ME---or I don't know...NOT complaining about everything I ask you to do----or stopped saying the F word 16 times per sentence----or actually complete an assignment ----or quit making weapons in woodshop class---- or stopped bragging about how many 'chicks' you've "mined" ------or TRIED even just a little---or studied for a test----or CARED even just a little-----or---

Peace, Love and WANN---WANN---WANN...
xoT.

I want my mom...

Does anyone my age still say this besides me?

For the last week I have been sentiment-ing just that. My response to everything has been "I want my mom!" This of course means: "I can't do it anymore."

And when you are a child, your mother swoops in and cradles you in her loving arms, strokes your hair and soothingly sings:

"ooo---ooo child things are gonna get easier---someday things will get brighter..."

I threw my back out a week ago...OUCH!!! We certainly take our backs for granted. Something as simple as putting your pants on, bending at the sink to brush your teeth, or playing a game of "Bunny, Bunny, Bunny!" is just impossible!

And yes I am playing "Bunny, Bunny, Bunny" again (which is one of my FAVOURITE drama games) because I am teaching a full year (Long Term Occasional) DRAMA contract in the EAST end. EAST SIDE!!!! (making hand gesture)----although I am a WEST SIDE (making hand gesture) liver and lover!

Peace, Love and Scarlem--Scarberia--the Borough of Scar!!!
xoT.

Ta-Da!!!!

And we're back...

Had a lovely time thinking and such...

Really was an inspiring time for me...

I'll be working for a while...

But I'll try to drop by...

Peace, Love and more love!
xoT.

Sweet Slumber...

Where ever have I been??????????????

Almost everything that is important in my life has taken a hiatus!

But I'm back!!!

I just finished directing a kid's show. I am heading to BC to see an old friend and gig it up with some stand-up comedy shows...and then I shall wait patiently for the perfect job to land on my lap....everything is under control....I'm fine....really!

List of "things to do":

-dance more
-sing more
-play more
-exercise more
-write more
-act more
-work harder
-drink less
-eat less
-engage in my own life (whoa....deep)

Peace, Love and How ever will I save me from my self-created rut?
xoT.

Daily Dud

In the morning I am optimistic. My coffee re-ignites my ever present jitters. If the sun is shining I'm even happier. I ponder my yesterday. I scan my tomorrows. I panic. I flutter. I procrastinate. And I sit and I think I love my life. I shower. I write. I pour another cup of coffee. This time it's just for kicks. I write. I connect. I fix my hair. I pour another cup of coffee. I am far past need. The anxiety is familiar. I write a list of things to do. It helps to ease the guilt. A bit. I decide between earrings or a necklace. Earrings win almost every time. I eat some fruit. I pour another cup of coffee. It doesn't even taste good anymore. But I want/need - want/need - want/need. I make plans for after work. I am excited to dance, run, work-out, yoga, go out. Don't make me go. Who am I talking to? I down the rest of my coffee. I gloss my lips and I'm off to my day of money-making. At 3:10pm I feel relieved to be released. I do not feel optimistic anymore. I feel tired. All over. I am guilt ridden as I cancel my plans to dance, run, work-out, yoga, go out.

Peace, Love and Complacency Baby!
xoT.

Random Recollections

I can remember my re-occuring childhood nightmare. (I am running circles around the outside of my house while being chased by an Indian with a head-dress and loin cloth who is being chased by a gorilla. I always end up hiding under the porch and they both know where I am and just as they are about to expose me I wake up sweating, screaming, crying = good times!) I can remember receiving my first mixed tape. (oh Chad...thanks for recording "Is this Love?" by Whitesnake over and over ---both sides!!!) I can remember spending hours with a tape recorder creating voices and characters. (I have a copy of my voice playing the 3 main characters of Punky Brewster, which of course include Punky Brewster, Henry - the foster father, and Brandon - the dog. Yep-- I played the part of a dog.) I can remember when it was a special treat to RENT a VCR! (My brother and I could each pick out a movie and I would without a doubt every single time choose "Fire Starter" starring Drew Barrymore----'creature of habit' or 'first crush'?) I can remember the first dance I choreographed and taught to my friends. (Grade 5 - Footloose! Who knew I would re-visit this theme years later???) I can remember my mother laying out my clothes each day for school. (On Saturdays I could pick out my own clothes----bring on the pink pants with the elastic waist and cord-crease down the legs and a bright red T-shirt with Coca-Cola on the front and TARA on the back! RIGHT ON!!!!!!!) I can remember my first french kiss. (Grade 9 - Halloween Party - Spin the Bottle!) I can remember the year that McDonalds tried out a delivery service. (That's like a BOOTY CALL for a drunk & hungry University student...BAD IDEA!!!) I can remember entertaining my Aunt Erin and her boyfriend by reciting/singing all the words to "Darling Nikki" by Prince when I was 11 years old. (This just goes to show you that parents can't protect you....I wasn't even allowed to listen to the radio, but the girl that sat next to me in my grade 6 class LOVED Prince and I made her teach me all the words-----I didn't even know who Prince was or what masterbating even meant..."I knew a girl named Nikki , I guess you could say she was a sex fiend. I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine. She said 'how'd you like to waste some time?' And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind."--- what kind of lyrics are those for any grade 6 to be singing aloud???) I can remember Ken, the 25 year old in my grade 11 Drama class. (I thought he was sooooooo cool! He lent me his car the day that I wanted to skip school with my friends...that's pretty trusting...I wonder what he's doing now...) I can remember how excited I was the day I got my water-bed. (I also remember cranking the dial in the winter until my skin burned and dialing down in the summer only to awake with frozen bones----and last but not least, I certainly remember the first time I got the spins in that bed----sort of like white water rafting when you're hung-over----NOT FUN!!!) I can remember ice-skating with my family every other Saturday night. (Sore ankles --but plenty of yummy hot chocolate afterwards---and face it---no matter how cheesy anything with your family 'seemed' --- you were always secretly 'into' that cheesy family night...) I can remember sitting in a parked car when I was 15 on a hot summer day with all the windows rolled up. ('Duh....it's like a sauna---and plus you'll lose weight'...I also remember sleeping with a garbage bag wrapped tightly around my waist, wearing way too many sweats for bed and a weight that rested on my belly just in case I could get an abdominal workout in my sleep----I look back at pictures from those days and lust after my own body----I do NOT see the fat that I was convinced I owned!) I can remember all of my teacher's names and the exact impressions that they left on me. (But one in particular stands out--- my grade 4 teacher ---she looked like Linda Carter A.K.A. WONDER-WOMAN ---- and I would endlessly fantasize about how I would save her from a big hairy monster that would come crashing through our classroom door----and how she would love me the best for saving her...I love that at the ripe old age of 9, I was a knight in shining armor---if only in my mind's eye...)I can remember my first summer camp romance. (A 9 year old display of affection: He let me wear his wrist bands and Pac-Man watch!!!) I can remember forcing my high-school boyfriend to learn and perform the choreography to "If It Isn't Love" by New Edition. (He was pretty shy and mostly known as an athlete----so to add to his credits: He also performed with me in the Sears Drama Festival, The Lip-Sync Contest and School Assembly skits...he was a good sport!!!) I can remember the first time that I peed my pants. (At Camp -- in the Mess Hall---during lunch---laughing so hard it flooded from my chair and ran down to the floor and continued down the length of the table!!! Yep---true story! Little did I know that this would also be a re-occurring theme throughout my life...) I remember collecting pretty stones from the beach. (Was anyone else disappointed with the sparkle quality after they dried off?) I can remember when I ran 10km everyday. (A time of great head-space...I should get back into that...) I can remember when my bedtime was 8:30pm - a whole half hour AFTER my brother! (In the summer, the sun was still shining brightly into my bedroom window and I could hear the sounds of the local baseball diamond in the near distance..."EVERYONE ELSE IS STILL UP----WHY DO I HAVE TO GO TO BED???) I can remember going to the car races on Sunday nights with my dad. (The snack hut was a highlight for sure!) I can remember loving the Tuesday night TV line-up. (Did anyone else want to BE Sam from "Who's the Boss" and date Mike from "Growing Pains"???) I can remember the first time that someone gave me the key to their place. (Big Step - - - I collect keys...) I can remember a 'stalker-ex' sleeping outside of my house for 3 days. (Persistence DOES pay off!---I wonder what he's doing now?...) I can remember when the word "sick" meant something really gross. (FYI -- now it means AWESOME!) I can remember when I knew how to play 5 songs on my guitar. (I used to make my classes listen to me----ahh the power of a teacher----"The answer my friend *change hand position - awkward pause* is blowin' in the wind *change hand position - awkward pause*the answer is blowin' in the wind...") I can remember naming every single one of my dolls "Jessica". ('creature of habit' or 'first crush'?)

Peace, Love and Laughing all the way to the memory Bank!
xoT.

CRAVE

I am craving you and a long hot evening swim and a good old fashioned camp song and a self-made smore and a challenging mountain climb and a road trip and a much anticipated gas station bathroom break and a pleasant surprise and a motorcycle ride and a trashy scene that I am somehow a part of and a plate of nachos to share with someone I love and a full body massage and a healthy routine or two and a bear hug and a deep conversation with someone I admire and an epiphany and a muse and a burst of energy and an inspiring dream and a harmless secret and some satisfaction and a hardy laugh and some direction and a sweaty activity and applause and a blast from the past and a premonition and a heart-felt compliment and a magical moment and a nap in a hammock and my youth and my glass that used to always be half full and timelessness and a thought-provoking play penned by yours truly and a private dancer and a competition and a partner in crime to co-create a thrill-seeking adventure and a hang-over free drunk-fest and a wagon ride on the straight and narrow path and a piggy-back ride on the wild side and a summer-time song and a silly care-free day and connection and some motivation and a great read and an intriguing invitation and an "oh my gosh, ME TOO!!" moment with someone new and an "I forgive you" from the past and a new scene and a piece of gum and killer confidence and passionate expression that only an 80's pop band could articulate and a reason to wear a costume and a day pass and a personal success story and an 'in' with the Hell's Angels and a prank that keeps me giggling well into the next month and a really great therapist...

Peace, Love and I ain't too proud to beg!
xoT.

East Coast Love

I have just returned from the east coast----and I must say LOVELY...

ESCAPE: when you are able to slip away from your everyday life and partake in an extraordinary one...

HOME SWEET HOME: when you return ---it is just as you left it---bed made; dishes washed; lights off; windows shut and locked; etc.; ---and you feel disappointed somehow----like you were almost hoping things were different...more messy; more lived in; more open---more more more...

WAKE-UP CALL: when you don't think you can do it on your own...

COURAGE: "Fill my cup up, let it overflow----let it overflow with LOVE..."

NONSENSE: reading between the lines...

ME: un- (fill-in-the-blanks...)

DIRECTION: NEWS

FLASH: back?

BABE: honey, sweetie, lover...

END: Tara Duffy TAKE 2!

Peace, Love and being special (:)
xoT.

Facebook Anonymous?

I am certainly NOT going to knock Facebook when I am clearly in the middle of a love affair with it---- but seriously folks----the groups are ridiculous!

So, I log on to the home page and see one of my friend's pictures with the heading: "My eyes are so wicked and NO, they are not contacts!" So I click on the picture while thinking to myself, wow, that's a pretty bold statement to make about yourself! But when I get to the page I realize that that is the NAME of the GROUP. So---let me get this straight--- all these women have seen the title and then thought, shit, MY eyes are wicked and NO, I don't wear contacts!!! Then they get out their digital camera---take a picture of their EYES and post it----all for the sake of the group's "growth".....uh-huh! True story! Why would I lie?

Peace, Love and Tara has left the group "my eyes are so wicked and No, they are not contacts!"
xoT.

Need More Sleep

Well here it is --- Monday morning...I slept well and I am ready to rock the week.

Disclaimer---Disclaimer---Disclaimer:

I have an amazing capacity for teenage drama. I enter a classroom with buckets full of energy and feigned patience. However, when I am deprived of sleep----WATCH OUT SCOUT!!!

So I must admit that when the grade 9 class that I taught on Friday turned off the lights and started screaming like idiots---I wondered why I CHOSE this career path...

So I turn on the lights and give my rap about how this isn't elementary school anymore...and this one grade 9 girl keeps talking over top of me---and guess what? I'm the boss....and I'm freaking tired!!!! So yah---she pretty much got the brunt of the Duffy-wrath. However, I am a big fan of the whole stare them down with that passive-aggressive pretend-patient "Ok, I'll just wait here until you are finished with needing SO MUCH ATTENTION..."

When out of the silence this girl yells:

"WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME SO DAMN HARD MISS??????"

Oh the answers that I would have loved to have given her...

but I am a professional, so I gently pointed out that I was staring at her 'so damn hard' because she was effing pissing the hell out me!!!

....KIDDING!!!

Peace, Love and I am a total sucker for inspiration so thank you Sammy P. for getting me back on the Blogging Wagon!
xoT.

GIRL COMIC, TRASH TALKER, TALE-SPINNER, LAUGH MAKER!!!

"Back to Me" and "Wellness" clearly displays my ability to tap into my superpowers of "bi-polar-reality"...(yep I just made that word up---but it's pretty easy to understand---yes?)

In two consecutive days I can say, and I quote..."I feel loveless..." and "I feel love"...

Are feelings of "love" overrated? Does one really feel "love"? Or is it in us to give (like blood)? Am I "love" all on my own? "I am love". (well go on, say it....) I AM LOVE. (Do you believe that?)

BLOG ON! (blog blog) BLOG OFF! (blog blog) BLOG ON, BLOG OFF!!! (blog blog) THE BLOGGER!!!

Peace, Love and Heck Yes that is MY NAME under the listing for April 4th (which is today...YIKES!)
xoT.

Wellness

I feel love on a loverly day for love.

And the World works in mysterious ways...

And last night WAS a full moon.

And it is well with my soul...

Peace, Love and When was the last time someone mooned you?
xoT.

Back to Me...

I lost myself...AGAIN.

Does anyone know if last night was a full moon?

I am mooning...

That still doesn't comfort me.

It's only temporary, I know that.

But still...it hurts.

The monotonous futility of trying to create happiness for someone else...I feel loveless on a lovely day for love.

I need to book some serious time with the mirror.

I am the Alpha-Female.
I am the Alpha-Female.
I am the Alpha-Female.

Peace, Love and I don't even have the desire to spin that into "FUNNY"!
xoT.

Juicy's Audition

OMG!!!! I am so super sorry!!! I know you’ve probably had a long day, but so have I----gosh you wouldn’t believe the day I had and I know that ‘technically’ I’ve missed my audition time---but it’s not ‘technically’ my fault….and I flew all the way from Flippety-Flop Nowheresville for the sole purpose of this audition----gosh, I will just die if you don’t let me audition… (steps into spotlight –looks into the light) Pardon? Oh thank you so much---you won’t regret it! Oh, ok---my slate, right. So do you want just my name or my name and my agency? Oh ---ok…

Hi, I'm JC ---like as in J-period, C-period----and like I know what your all thinking right? Like JC as in Jesus Christ---but no, it doesn't stand for that---it doesn't ---because--it just doesn't ok? I mean, for a while there I went through a faze where I un-capitalized my name so as not to be offensive to Jesus, but like I’m totally over that now…(looks up) no offense - Upper case J dot Upper case C dot, ----I just don’t do it anymore, out of respect to myself, yeah, SUB-versive!….. Anyways my name is actually pronounced JUICY ---get it? JC - JUICY---as in "I'm juicy! I don't care what you say. I'm JUICY!"

(steps forward looking into the light) Pardon? (pause) oh right, sorry----just my name and agency---right sorry, sometimes my mouth just goes on and on and on-----and that causes me to be…

tardy? ----what a great word eh? ‘Tardy.’ Say it, it’s totally a fun word to say. I love words. I am a connoisseur of words if you will. Yeah, I collect them. But only the totally fun ones, like I would NEVER collect a word like ‘math’ (shudders – and continues to gag herself…)…..but words like ‘lickety-split’ ---how can you not be happy when you say that? OR ---‘Bangkok’ ----that’s like a 2 for 1 deal, or ‘thespian’---makes me giggle every time, cause you know what I’m really thinking right? (whispers LESBIAN…) Or ‘Pescetarian’ – which I’m not sure if you know this but it’s like a vegetarian only they eat fish…yeah, SUB-versive…. (steps forward and looks into the light) pardon? Oh right, sorry, my bad---name and agency --- right. There goes my motor mouth again. It’s because I’m a red-head. Yeah all red-heads are total leaky faucets when it comes to verbal diaherra . But I totally love being a red-head. I mean NOW I do. But when I was a kid it was doom-some. (which side-bar --- is another totally fun word to say….DOOMSOME --- it kinda reminds me of Dim sum---which I totally love right?) But the teasing and the torture - it just wasn't fair. But "fair" is such a subjective word, right? "Red headed woodpecker" - I mean lets face it, anything that ends with pecker, is just not cool. "Freckle face, carrot top", to which my cleverest reply was, "Carrot tops are green!" ohhhhhh, that was a good one, I really told them eh?! But like I said I totally love being a red-head NOW cause red-heads have more fun. Yep---just like my shirt says. At first, I totally wasn’t going to buy this shirt, because it’s red. And anyone who's a red-head can totally attest to this ---- redheads are NOT supposed to wear red, cause apparently it clashes with--- US. I am SO brave!!!
Peace, Love, and I Heart Juicy so much it hurts!!!
xoT.

A Poem by "Emo-Porn Star"!

I am so sad.
It's like (porn) for me.
Sometimes / all of the time...
I read my journals over and over in order to cry.

I am so (emo).
I can't say words in their entirety.
Much like the future generation.
Like "emotional" is just TOO long of a word to say.

I am so funny.
That I provoke much use of (lol).
Lonely Or Lost?
This device has been helpful for morons who don't know what to say.

I am so lost.
I need a short-cut from conversation - (BRB).
Bring Rhonda's Booze.
Who the bleep is Rhonda and WHY is she just giving booze away?

I am so lazy.
pre-tense is just an extra added feature.
I'm still in my "(vay-kay)" mode...
and I can't say the whole word or it would lose it's effect.

I am so numb.
(WTF)???
Who's The Freak?
Where's Waldo when you need him?

I am so bored.
And that makes me unable to spell!
It's (re-dick)!
(LOLOLOLOLOL)---Dick who?

I am so fake.
(O-M-G)!
I tell everyone they are my (BFF)!
People listen better when they sense that you like them...

I am so tired.
Being a famous (emo-porn) star is draining...
But I love that everyone knows my (411)!
Current Status: Ecdysiast-ic!!! (LOL)

I am so lonely.
Here's the (sitch):
I have Myspace, Facebook and E-blogger...
(FTW)! Well, the real one anyhow...(LOL)

Peace, Love and Flushing out the Character (please post any potential story-lines or vernaculars that "Emo-Porn Star" might be partial to...)
xoT.

Meet ASS-MAN!

I'm an ASS man!
No---I'm not an ass---I'm an ass MAN--- you know?
I like the junk in your trunk----your badunkadunk! Mmmm. Boo-yah!
Here's the D.L. - when I see a fine lookin' Betty swingin' her onion --- I be trippin and cupcakin' yo ---Dee-ZAM! I'm like hold up!!! HOLLA! Yo! I gotta axe you something --- Why don't you come over here and gimme some a dat candy girl?
Oh SNAP!!! so that's the dilio --- you be 06in --- well I'm down with that - Fo SHEEZY!!!
How bout you and your B come back to my crib so you both can show me a little sumpin sumpin...oooooh you was frontin---well das coo --- cause she's all BOOTYDOO anyhow - Fo REAL!!!!! A-aight! Well don't get all up in my grill ---Be easy---what you trippin for? I didn't say you was fugly!---Fo rizzle! If ya ain't gonna let me hit it---then I'll roll---
Peace out!

So I'm back at my crib and me and my boo were just choppin it up and chillin'...you know---keepin' it real -- but then my squad shows up and theys fienden to shoot some hoops right? But my girl---she's fienden for something else--you feel me?
So my G says -- Stop parlaying over there and let's bounce brother---
And I'm like - For shiggidy my weeble!---and oooweee-- my girl was trippin' -- I was like---somebody needs to turn on the heat cause it is BRICK in here! ---- Later doll! ---
so I throw on my biscuits ---kiss my little hoochie goodbye--and she loves me so she lets me off the hizzle---But when I get to the court---I hook up with some dip-sets -- so I bail on my homies and get bent with these hos ---Oh snap! and we be dancin in the club and they all wantin' me to check up on it---And I am FLOSSIN yo! mmmmm butta ---
But then they all like punkin my moves ---I'm like girlys -- You perpetrating! - I own that move---Don't make me school you!
I thought you was slammin --- but yous is skanchy!!!!Get in that raggedy ride you came in and step off! Then these wanksters start trippin on me and I'm all like - You mad doggin me? I'll whoop you so bad your cousin will cry!!

Man ---my day has been WACK!

Peace, Love and Sketch Character #2 ("Ass-man" is duking it out with "Emo-Porn Star"...she's coming soon to a BLOG near you...)
xoT.

Meet Juicy!

Hi, I'm JC ---like as in J-period, C-period----and like I know what yer all thinking right? Like JC as in Jesus Christ---but no, it doesn't stand for that---it doesn't ---because--it just doesn't ok? it's actually pronounced JUICY---as in "I'm juicy! I don't care what you say. I'm JUICY!"

Umm...yeah, yeah, so I just bought a whole wack-load of lululemon stuff, and you KNOW how those clothes just like suck right to your body right? Like I'm all like---I'm right here---no secrets---like now you see me---and now--you see me right? So anyways I was watching myself in the mirror right? And I was thinking that I looked super hot right? Like a "Yummy Mommy"---that's SO juicy! I'm SO juicy-----except that I'm not a mom--and I'm not having a baby...Gosh, I'm not even married...but I have this belly like I gave birth to Ronnie McDonnie's little "big-extras" --- So NOW---I go to "YOGA FOR MOMS" ---yeah, yeah cause it makes me feel better about my belly---like it's not because I'm a fat-ass slob---ok? Like it's not because I scarf down Ronnie McDonnies everyday---Ok? It's not---cause it's just not! It's cause ...I'm pregnant...yeah, yeah...I'm a "yummy mommy"---so now, when I go to yoga classes----I don't have to get all paranoid about my belly hanging out when we are doing the "warrior poses" ---cause like----we're ALL pregnant here---hellllloooooo? Yeah, yeah, it makes me feel a lot better about my belly. Yeah, yeah, it makes me feel more PURE -- yeah , I'm having a baby...a little extra juice here! (pats belly)

So yeah, the reason why I could even buy all that Lululemon jazz is cause I totally got a discount-right? --- cause my friend is like the ambassador of one of the Lululemon stores---yeah---the AMBASSADOR--her picture is up on the wall right at the entrance---and like she's a dance teacher and she totally abides by the Lululemon lifestyle right? like breathing in fresh air and drinking lots of water and stuff, and I'm sure it doesn't hurt that she's totally hot right? So, anyways they give her all this free stuff and she has to report back on it---like "these pants didn't wash so well----yeah, like first time I did--they were 'see-through' after that---yeah, so that's not gonna be a good look for the downward dog position...right?---or say she's dancing in class, right, and her shoulders have those indent lines on them--she'll tell em straight up---the straps are WAY TOO TIGHT on this shirt"....so like that's basically her job as the AMBASSADOR of Lululemon...I was soooooo JEALOUS right? Like right away I started thinking about what I could be an ambassador of?

And then it just totally hit me---oh my gosh I'm perfect for it....
The LCBO----helloooooo ?????

oh my gosh, can you imagine---just getting boat-loads of free booze??? ---and MY picture would totally hang over the wine section cause like that's my thing right? wine---yeah, yeah, like I'm total wino!!!----
And I would be all like---"so yeah THIS one makes me feel funny...and not ha-ha...
And this one leaves like "grape koolaid" stains right here (fingers on mouth corners)...
And this one tastes like ASS---

(drunkenly) yeah, well I'm the DAM-ASS-ADOR! And I don't care what you say!
Cause I'm JUICY!

Peace, Love and Sketch Character #1 Baby!
xoT.

I LOVE WEDNESDAYS...

According to the "Bible" - this is the day that the SUN and the MOON were created...
According to "Astrology" - I am a MOON CHILD...
According to "Kant" - Always tell the truth...

According to "You" - WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING???

I'm glad you asked.

I have been busy trying to create my 3 characters for the NEXT COMEDY LEGEND audition.

Please post any "Sketch Character" suggestions OR remind me of any "characters" that you might have witnessed me "slip into" over the years - - I HAVE been known to dabble in multiple personality disorders...(and as Shaggy would say: "It wasn't me...")

ANYWHOSERS -
So I was practising my "1st character monologue" for my friend Taz in the History office --- when I noticed Clara Godfrey (a U of T student-teacher doing her practicum in History and Philosophy --- who by the way has been a wonderful addition to the History office---she is FUNNY and very TALENTED --- check her out under MYFRIENDS!) pretending not to listen. Well, more 'truth'fully she was TRYING to plan her Grade 12 Philosophy lesson ---but this crazy red-head was taking up WAY TOO MUCH SPACE...

So, when I finished my piece...

Clara: "So--- is this your 'thing' to make it BIG TIME?"

Tara: "Honey, you obviously don't know who I am ---- I AM BIG TIME!"

Clara: "Well here then, you'll have to autograph my Kant..."

LA LA LA! --- YOU CAN IMAGINE WHY MY LISTENING SKILLS TURNED OFF HERE!

Tara: Autograph your WHAT???" ( and then she passes me her planning notes on "Kant")

"Ohhhhhh...THAT 'Kant'---right..." (what was I thinking?)

Peace, Love and It's the 'Peak of the Week' Wednesday! (Hump Day)
xoT.

LEARNING...

Learning: is the process of gaining understanding that leads to the modification of attitudes and behaviors through the acquisition of knowledge, skills and values, through study and experience.

Check THIS out! (Kudos and thanks to Crystal, Jessica, and E-ron!)

AND--- I am SO auditioning for THIS!!! (squeal - squeal - squeal ---I AM SO EXCITED!)

Peace, Love and I'M JUICY, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY---I'M JUICY!!!
xoT.

"When In Asia..."

A fair number of "Asia-Tales" have been requested by my ever-loving 'fans'...And I aim to please...so here are some re-caps of emails home...(for anyone who isn't familiar...my dear friend Christina and I took a 3-week teaching contract in Korea and then spent the rest of our time traveling through Thailand....GOOD TIMES!

#1
So we arrived safe in Korea...but of course not without "drama"...it wouldn't be right if I didn't include drama...my suitcase was too heavy at the airport....so right in front of everyone while holding up the line I had to downsize my luggage....this was tough.....what do I take out????? (Of course the freaking huge board game and the materials I brought for the kids----NOT my clothes....what were you thinking???)

Anyways---the flight was long...but that was expected...the "5 star hotel" promise turned into dorm rooms---without bedding....you can't flush the toilet paper...so if I had any bathroom insecurities---they just got worse! The scenery is beautiful --- however it has been pouring buckets ever since we got here...I don't have a Korean teacher partner yet because there weren't enough...apparently they are getting us some more-- so cheers to that! But not to fear---I am sooooooo HAPPY to be here that nothing can bring me down---what an experience!---and all the other teachers are really great! We have been having a lot of bonding time in our free time...which we spend in our rooms---because of the monsoon rains----but whatever---we have had some good laughs and I am anxious to start teaching on Monday---

#2
So I just finished writing this detailed email of all my news...and then I went to send it and I lost it...you KNOW how crazy that can make a person right? I mean, you KNOW right? Like how frustrated I am right now...but I am over it----like that is the least of my worries, right?

So ---we are working 15 hour days...not kidding...it has finally stopped raining but an umbrella is still my fashion staple...and we have rice, spicy cabbage and mystery meat for all three meals---some of the teachers here are STARVING---but not Tara Duffy ---no siree---this little lady will eat anything! (Here, give it to Tara---she'll eat it...) So obviously I haven't started my "survivor" diet that I bragged about... (but yeah, some of the teachers are freaking hungry and they are NOT very happy...) We have to get up at 5am and have to be on the bus shortly after 6am...and then we drive about 45 minutes to EVERLAND (which is much like Canada's Wonderland). We don't get picked up again until 10pm and then we drive back to the dorm to rest out weary heads...so I'm flexible right???? Like----WHAT'S WITH ALL THE FREAKING WORK??? This IS my summer vacation right? Seriously I am fine...I can get used to ANYTHING--but some of the other teachers are really exhausted and NOT HAPPY AT ALL! So Christina and I have opted for laughing hysterically at the craziness of it all...and I mean pee your pants laughing --- and we have met a few like-minded laughers...so we are having a ball!----but seriously folks, I am going to really need that vacation in Thailand!!!!

So I just finished giving the students an oral exam to determine which class they should be in and I am teaching Grade 5 Advanced----so this is GOOD! And I have a Korean Teaching partner now....so this is also GOOD! It is sooooooo beautiful here! ....mountains everywhere...they don't let us have free time anymore...so one night after MUCH negotiation---we were permitted to go into the town---GOOD TIMES! I have to go now because I am being beckoned---seriously we work NON-STOP ---- but I am so happy to be here and am SO enjoying experiencing a new culture...squat toilets and all...

#3
The kids are soooooo CUTE! When I am tired and feeling low---it is tough to be down when you are looking into the adoring eyes of a child. These kids treat us teachers like STARS! When our bus pulls into the lot and they are getting ready to go down for breakfast---they start waving like crazy and yelling:"Teacher! Teacher! Teacher! Hello! Good Morning!" etc. And when we get off the bus they want to touch us and give us high fives and basically any sort of contact --- they LOVE it when we can communicate-----it really is sweet! And being treated like a star totally works for me---right?

It is Friday morning and today is a much needed PLAY DAY! In the morning we are taking them to EVERLAND to go on the rides and then lunch and then ...get this...we take them to CARIBBEAN BAY to go on the water slides and the wave pools etc. ------

okay, so a couple of things:

First of all-- I am thrilled to be getting into a BATHING SUIT!----no other clothes are allowed in the water-park...no t-shirts, no tank-tops, no NOTHING! Just YOU and your SUIT --- AND ---the best part------are you ready for this? ---What could make the swimming suit experience any worse? That's right folks----A BATHING CAP!!! Oh my gosh I am going to be so HOT! But like that's the least of my problems right? I should be over myself after showering every morning with 40 other women in a communal shower with no dividers or curtains (football locker room style!) -----

I'm not gonna lie-----that was a pretty big shocker on Day #1! But now it's like: "Hey what's up over there? Are you getting yourself all clean? Yeah? ME TOO! You wouldn't happen to have an extra bar of soap over there would ya?"

And to top it all off ----we aren't allowed to speak directly to the "man boss". Yeah that gets my feminist side worked up pretty quickly...But if we can't laugh at it all---what can we do?

#4
Tomorrow night is TALENT NIGHT --- and the parents are invited to a huge Korean BBQ and then to watch the show. Chrissy and I have combined our classes and we are doing a fun HIP-HOP dance! The kids LOVE it and they are so AWESOME! And they think they are so cool --- they are all going to wear their camp shirts so they will have a "costume" ---- so after dinner tonight we will be busy busy rehearing for the big show!

We went to Caribbean Bay again---seriously folks---I am really getting used to this BATHING CAP thing---I think I will make it a fashion staple back on the beaches of CANADA! NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#5
I have compiled a TOP TEN list of all the great things about taking this job:

10. I'm in Asia---how cool is that?
9. It is so green here even though it never rains---well except for that week that it didn't stop...
8. The children are so polite here. Sharing is not a problem for these kids, it's a way of life.
7. The landscape is beautiful, and although it seems as though I am ALWAYS climbing hills or stairs ( this country loves their stairs and NOT the ones that move on their own...) my legs are getting super toned!
6. The people aren't afraid to express their JOY! (clapping hands while listening to music, boys walking arm in arm, even men----they are very affectionate towards one another...and that is sooooo refreshing to see...there is hope! Very touch-feely...the girls and women too!
5. I have learned to have a greater appreciation for red hair and freckles---they are quite a novelty here.
4. I have massive cravings for salad and vegetables---it's all about starch and deep fried whatchamacallits???----so that's a good thing---right?
3. After ample time reflecting on the squat toilets - I have learned that they are actually more sanitary than western toilets....NO TOUCHING!!!
2. I have made some really great friends that I know I will stay in touch with--- I mean after "SHOWER-SHACKIN'" who can blame us?

1. What doesn't kill us ---makes us stronger ---right?

#6
I have seen and done soooo much! Bangkok (which is a totally fun word to say!) was cool! Chang Mai has been incredible and today we fly to Phuket to do some serious slothin'!

Probably the most eye-opening experience was the 5 hour drive into the mountains to see the hills tribes...an experience that I will never forget---seriously folks---I HAVE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT!

The most amazing treat is the TRADITIONAL THAI MASSAGE! It is 2 hours long -- full body ---up close and personal --- like seriously folks I have lost ALL INHIBITIONS here!!! And the best part---it cost 5 buckeroonies!---AS IF???? SO every night I get some sort of massage! I like it! I like it A LOT!!!

Elephant rides through the jungle --- river rafting --- night markets --- so CHEAP!

The bathrooms however have been a challenge for me...I thought the Korean way was something to be reckoned with...NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Here --- you have to step up onto the toilet (without seat) and you are standing on it---and then you have to maintain your balance on this slippery toilet bowl--- you have to maintain endurance (squatting and balancing is HARD work!) with your toilet paper in pocket (assuming you KNEW how much you were going to need before going in...B.Y.O.T.P. --- GOOD TIMES!!!) You now need to undo your pants and squat --- don't forget to relax so you can do what you came in there to do---#1 only! Never #2 - (this might give you more insight into my state of health...) and FINALLY I realize - yay! I'm doing it!!! I am actually peeing! Yay for me! This has been no small feat! --- because up until this moment I had been avoiding all pee opportunities upon the pure fact that I just couldn't do it --- physically -- my knees wouldn't allow me to hold the position --- but this was a MUST -- my bladder was going into OVERDRIVE --- so like --- HURRAY for me! I did it! I get back into the vehicle feeling pretty darn smug! I get out a wet nap to wash my hands and look down to see that I had peed all over my legs and pants-----GOOD TIMES!!!

#7
Guess what??? Did you know that when a bird poops on you that it's good luck? Wanna know why I learned that little nugget of (truth?) Here are the "Lucky Details" in order of appearance:

First off -- on my flight into Thailand, I had suitcase issues again, and they made me pay $60.00 to take it from me---apparently it makes it easier for the people lifting...but I was more than happy to pay instead of rummaging through my bag trying desperately to decide which items to discard while my under garments spill into the line-ups of busy rushing people who are not amused by my packing abilities or lack of...but none the less it was a little embarrassing standing in the EXCESSIVE BAGGAGE line-up----I mean who needs labels? I am trying to get along in this world---no name calling please!

But, I am off on an adventure and nothing can get me down...well except the ledge on the floor separating our hotel room from the bathroom. I think I tripped from all the pent up expectation of what a western toilet could deliver.....and I fell flat on my face and REALLY REALLY hurt myself. Christina was laughing so hard that I couldn't cop a cry even though I really wanted too (you know when you are caught between a massive cry and a massive laugh...and in my case a massive bladder?) -- I lived...

So-- I B-line it to the beach---cause this is what I have been waiting for right? And the red flag is up....WHAT??????????? WHAT THE HECK DOES THE RED FLAG MEAN??????? It means you can't swim because the undertow is too dangerous! As you all know I am equal parts curious and insane---I wasn't gonna let that red flag stand in my way! So, out I went and I am standing in what can only be described as "knee-deep" (I don't have a death-wish!) when all of a sudden this mother-load of a wave knocks me down and that nasty under-tow is doing his thang --- and NOW I'm in panic mode right? Like -- I KNOW I'm going to DIE! WHAT WAS I THINKING? My heart is slamming---and there is on one else on the beach ---because apparently the RED FLAG MEANS SOMETHING TO THEM...I am trying desperately to scramble to my feet, all the while the under-tow is dragging my bum along the floor of the ANDEMAN SEA (a demon sea?)---and then somehow---(GOD?) I manage to get on my feet, dashing for the shore (much like how they do it on BAYWATCH!!!)---and my left bum is bleeding bloody horror---but I don't care, right? Like, I'm alive, right?

Later that night with salve on bum , we head out for a really nice dinner --- which later kept me occupied in the washroom all night long---GOOD TIMES!!!

So the next morning we decide to claim our spots on loungers by the pools (enough beach drama already!) So I get all SPF-ed up, I got on my do-rag and sunnies...and I am finally entering "relaxation" mode when out of no where I hear SPLAT! and then I feel this warm gooey feeling on my leg---WHAT THE? WHAT????? WHO PUT THAT THERE??? But it's good luck right? And I am about due for some good ol' fashion GOOD LUCK --- but my standards are so low right now that I am not even fazed by it---I just casually walk past all the pool-lovers as though I DON'T have CRAP on my leg and wash it off in the poolside shower...

I've come a long way baby to get to where I am!

Peace, Love and LONGEST BLOG EVER (I found her!!!)
xoT.

Where Oh Where Has My Little "Blog" Gone?

OH WHERE OH WHERE CAN SHE BE??

"BLOG" is a funny word...no?

FUH-HUH-NEE!!!

OK---I was right---

I got nothin'!

(well, except for at school today, they made an announcement at lunch time that they were selling canned pop in the cafeteria for 75 cents...I thought that was kind of absurd ---like is POP really that exciting?---so I jump off the couch where I am eating my lunch with a bunch of other teachers and I say: "POP? DID SOMEONE JUST SAY POP IS ON SALE FOR 75 CENTS????" -- and then I made my face contort into this super forced mile-wide smile ---and went running out of the room like an "over the top MIME"...)

AND NOBODY LAUGHED!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace, Love and Tabula Rasa!
xoT.

Mine All Mine...

CAN YOU SAY MULLET???

yep--- this is my past...

(To say that the "mullet" is a hairstyle barely even scratches the surface of the issue. The mullet is a way of life --- a state of mind...physically, it is characterized by short hair on the top, front, and sides of the head, followed by a long drape of hair on the back... )

Why would any human being willingly decide, of their own freewill, to wear the "mullet"?

I don't have the answer to this folks...all that I DO know is that in my high school years...this was me:

"Oh my gosh, he is so hot!!! (squeal) He is such a hunk!!! (hold my breath) He has short hair on top and long at the back....(sigh - sigh - sigh ---from all of my friends...) Oh my gosh...just wait till you meet him! HE is SOOOOOOO gorgeous! (giggle giggle giggle)"

Peace, Love and Heck Yes, I ran my fingers through every single one of these guy's hair!
xoT.

What Goes Around---Comes Around!

Tonight is my interview with the Toronto District School Board in order to be "Eligible to Hire". If you are not on this list, you can not obtain a full time contract. As an Occasional or Long-Term-Occasional Teacher, you must go through this process EVERY year...can you say REDUNDANT?

(Close your eyes and wish me articulation and calmness at 6:30pm.)

As some of you already know, last year I blew it...and the only reason that I made the cut was because the Principal of the school that I taught at last year corrected their "numb-skull" impression of me by singing my praises---and professing that I could walk on water...! (Phewf!!! That was a close one...)

Let's rewind time for the sake of the story. Before I took the (L.T.O.) job teaching History and Drama at (the name will have to remain anonymous due to "History Class Blog"...) I was hired as a FULL-TIME teacher at (another school that will have to remain anonymous...). They promised a full schedule of DRAMA. On the first day of school, I found myself teaching 2 sections of grade 12 English (Academic) and 1 section of grade 9 Drama (ESL). In the second semester, I had 2 sections of Careers/Civics and 1 sections of grade 9 Drama (ESL) to look forward to...

-After spending the morning walking the halls of Harlem, I became very leery...

-Try to play the "name game" with a class full of students who do not understand you or each other....I dare you!

-Also, one of my main purposes of moving to Toronto was to pursue my acting career and supply teach to pay the rent. Because let's face it---my job in Chatham was GOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I took a brisk walk to the main office and sat down with Mr. Principal and said:

" I made a mistake! I am so sorry! I can't do this! I don't know what I was thinking! I want to be a Supply Teacher! I don't want to spend the year crawling on my knees in the depths of despair! (unravel new classroom keys from my key chain) Here ---you have to take these back! I didn't sign anything! I know that this is the worst thing I could do to you on the first day of school ---BUT I MADE A MISTAKE---(and I am starting to think that I am going to have to cop a cry for a more convincing display of INSANITY!)

Mr. Principal - "Hang on now Tara, what's got you all jacked up?

Me - "Nothing! This school seems amazing. The staff have been so kind. The students are awesome. YOU are amazing---probably why I got talked into this job in the first place (he was very charming and very convincing --- hell, I might of walked out of there with a MATH job...)

Mr. Principal - "What can I do to make you change your mind?"

Me- "Nothing! You just have to let me go...(and the academy award for MELO-DRAMA goes to YOURS TRULY)

Mr. Principal - "Would you stay if I gave you more sections of Drama? I was hoping to start a Dance programme next semester...This school needs you here..."

Me - "Thank you so much ---but I just can't...

WE NEVER SPEAK AGAIN---

Fast forward for the sake of the story to last years "Eligible to Hire" interviews with the school board.

Due to the size of the TDSB -- they conduct the interviews simultaneously in this massive school with several interview "teams" over a large period of time. When you walk into the building you have to state the number of your interview team and they direct you to the proper waiting room. From that waiting room, someone calls your name and takes you to a chair in the hallway outside of your interview team. You wait there until your interview team calls your name.

(basically there are millions of principals across the school board that conduct these interviews...)

SO--- My team comes to the door---one woman and one man----

THE MAN IS MR. PRINCIPAL!

My heart pounds. I start shaking. Out of all the freaking people --- this is how my world treats me ---- everything comes back to me tenfold! --- you would think I'd have learned my lesson by now---

Mr. Principal - (pats me on the back) "Ahhhh Tara -- good to see you --- what goes around comes around -- doesn't it?"

Tara - (pretty near a nervous break-down) " I just want you to know that not a day goes by that I don't think about you and what happened. I need you to know how sorry I am."

(That would have been nice if maybe I could have said that eons before he WAS INTERVIEWING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Mr. Principal - "No worries. We are all friends here. Have a seat. Would you like a class of water?"

Me - (Kill me now please!---can you imagine how every answer that came out of my mouth must have felt like a facade---

"Well, I always see projects through to the finish---"
"I am very committed to my school community---"
"I handle adversity with grace and ease---"

I actually try to insert my humour at the end of the interview when asked which zones I prefer to teach in ---(like as if I hadn't already buried myself 6 feet under...)

I lean in and smile my most charming smile and nudge Mr. Principal's shoulder and say:

"Well,--- we all know that I DON'T want to teach at YOUR SCHOOL--HAHAHA!"
(It wasn't funny!)

Peace, Love and Slowing down on the CRACK-PIPE! (if only for tonight's interview...)
xoT.

This WOMAN Walks Into...

A COMEDY CONTEST???

So my crew tells me it will be good footage for the film if I flop...(I LOVE THEM!) I am in a state of panic...what if I get in? It IS a lottery, and I have infamous luck with lotteries...

A major suggestion has been brought to the table since our last "cruelly comedic" meeting:

Why Conan O'Brien? Like, why not say, Ellen DeGeneres...or...???---and the list goes on...

Right--- so we decided that maybe being SO specific was a bit of a flawed plan of action ---

(kind of whore-ish though...)

So basically we are calling out to a televised 5-minute live...

365 to a Five Minute Live --- starring Tara Duffy ( ho ho ho! --- and that is not a subliminal message----it's a laugh-track! )

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS??? ( not about the whore thing...about the Conan thing---just to clarify...)

Peace, Love and Amateur - ity!
xoT.

We All Have Our Moments...

There is no explanation...sometimes you just need to free yourself from the bondage of your hair...

Peace, Love, and Mr. Clean!
xoT.

Happy V-Day!

VALENTINE (love, lovable, lover, love affair, lovely, loveliness, loverly, love-bird, love-apple, love-bomb, love-pot, love-juice, love-lorn, love-sick, love-lock, love-match, love-feast, love-fest, love-tap, love-bug, love-lies-bleeding...) VOTUM ("Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.") VULVA (The Vagina Monologues --- "We proclaim Valentine's Day as V-day,to celebrate women and end the violence." www.vday.org Kudos to all the men and women who are bringing this to fruition!) VENUS (Earth's Sister, Roman Goddess of LOVE, The ONLY planet in the Solar System named after a FEMALE figure.) VIRGO (A constellation in the shape of a woman...) VIS-A-VIS (xo...) VISCERAL (I FEEL everything!) VIOLA DA GAMBA (I admire the "Virtuoso"...) VOTARESS (Oh Sweet "Saphrodite"...) VOTE ("All Canadian women won the right to vote in federal elections in 1918"---another nugget I learned while teaching History...) VOCABULARY (Yes, there IS a theme here--and today's blog is brought to you by the letter V.) VALUE (You. Love. Health. Happiness. Struggle. Creation. Imagination. Depth. Intelligence. Sensuality. Humour. Family. Friends. Love. You.) VIRTUAL ("OUR" Connection...) VIVA (!!!) VOICE (Speak! How else will they hear you?) VOLUME (Crank it, and Dance to your own personal soundtrack!) VICES (...and the list goes on...) VALIDATE ("I LIVE for your comments!") VICIOUS (Devilicious!) VEXATIOUS (Ferg-a-licious!.../Duff-a-licious?) VIEWLESS ("I don't know...") VIEWPOINT ("I KNOW!!!") VERBATIM (VERBATIM) VENTURE (my quest to become a stand-up comedian...) VANQUISH (Self-doubt) VAINGLORIOUS (Duh----THIS Blog!) VENIAL (Forgive me, for I know not what I do...) VERB ("the better to _______ you with my dear".) VELVETEEN (Bunny, Bunny, Bunny! ---I have a new version of this game that I LOVE way more!) VAUDEVILLE ( open my vein...and stick it in me...!) VIBE (Go ahead, take one off me...if you can...) VERSION (Everyone has a story to tell...) VIDEO (Murderer of Radio Stars...) VISION (impaired due to the "Sunglasses I Wear At Night...") VORACIOUS ("an appetite for LOVE, cause me so _______!") VOODOO (If you could cast a LOVE spell on anyone, who would it be?) VINE (The genesis of "in vino veritas") VALVE (Can anyone show me how to shut this thing off?) VERTIGO (DIZZY!) VOLUPTUOUS ("I'm JUICY! I don't care what you say! I'm JUICY!") VERBOSE (This "Blog" entry...) VIVA VOCE (Will the REAL Tara Duffy please STAND-UP!?) VIRILE (my 'cruelly' comedic side...) VICE-VERSA (I'm a Switch!) VERDICT (Yep...I'm Insane!) VOLATILIZE (Bill Nye the "Science Guy" has nothin' on me...Now you see me!----Now you don't !) VETO (FINE!!! ---- I was finished anyhow!) VAMOOSE! ( Consider me signed OFF!)

Peace, Love and Happy (OVERWROUGHT WITH CONSUMERISM) Valentine's Day!
xoT.

Twin Brother From Another Mother?

Ahhh, MEMORIES….

(My introduction to the limelight and being a local star.)I can hardly remember the details of the BEAUTY CONTEST….

if it weren't for the trophy that glared at me with the inscription of first runner-up, I probably wouldn't remember at all. 1st Runner-up - I mean its indicative of my future. It's ironic and somewhat sad. My first dose of rejection - (You're great, but you're not the best.) No, the best-- was a raven-haired beauty with a speech impediment; I learned later as she slurred out a "shank you, Judgessh!". That one line would later become a household joke. A laugh at someone else's shortcomings that would somehow make us all feel better about mine. And so began my 'Anne of Green Gables complex' - that dark hair is better, more beautiful than red. To be a redhead was really grueling and doom-some. The teasing, the torture - it just wasn't fair. But "fair" is such a subjective word, right? "Red-Headed Woodpecker!" - I mean lets face it, anything that ends with pecker, is just NOT cool. "Freckle Face!, Carrot Top!", to which my cleverest reply was, "Carrot tops are green!" ohhhhhh, that was a good one, I really told them!

Anywhosers, my parents must have been convinced that I was meant for more than a 1st Runner-up and they entered me in the Jaycee Princess Contest. We all entered the hall in our Sunday best. Our parents all fixing our hair, straightening our clothes and pumping us full of THEIR confidence. There was a long table stacked high with presents. We all circled the table, greedily eyeing all the brightly wrapped packages, curious of their contents. The room was dense with laughter, nerves, and fairytale dreams. I REALLY wanted to be chosen very badly. I mean probably everyone did, but I needed to win, to be the BEST, you know, in order to cancel out that embarrassing 1st Runner-up. One by one they called us up to a panel of judges where we were asked a series of questions which of course I can't remember, except for one, which was later revealed to me as the clincher, the answer which put me ahead of all the others. "If you could have any animal as a pet, what would it be?" And all the other children answered a dog, a cat, a fish, a hamster, and the average pets that they probably did own. And I, not an animal lover thought (none) but I looked down into my lap and my dress pattern was made up of tiny elephants and I matter of factly replied, "an elephant!" (Cute AND Creative!) When they made the announcement, I was immediately in the spotlight! They placed a tiara on my curls and a velvet cape around my shoulders. My picture was taken a zillion times. Oh my gosh, I was famous! I would wave from fancy cars in several parades and appear at important occasions and ceremonies for the next whole year... I was famous!!!

Ahhh...the trials and tribulations of being a "Child Star"...

Peace, Love and I understand your pain Lindsay Lohan...I really do!
xoT.

Red Feather!

Well, my friends----16 hours later...this is all I could do...and I certainly had grander plans than this---I wanted a 6 picture pile up! But whatever right? My sanity MUST come first!

So --- here is my photo-proof of being on the Youth Committee for United Way's Red Feather in 1991! However that is NOT the story that I am going to tell...

Rewind to grade 10 - (my naughty year...)
DID ANYONE ELSE GO A LITTLE "WILD-CHILD" IN GRADE 10????

In grade 9, I was a complete angel! Pretty darn close to perfection --- as far as being the apple of my parent's eyes..."Oh no ___________, you don't have to drink to have a good time. In fact, God doesn't want us to hurt our bodies like that. So why don't you just pour that out into the ground? Okay?"

By grade 11, you NEED to get back on track, building your resume, winning the hearts of your teachers, accumulating letters of reference, and what-not. Student Council, Director of Assemblies, School Sports, Sears Drama, School Musical, Dinner Theatre, volunteering, working, and oh yeah, ....studying?

But grade 10 went a little like this:"WOOOO - HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! "Let's get some Strawberry Schnapps and go CRAZY!"And I mean-- CR-A-ZY!!!!!!!!!!

So back to Red Feather! I was so freaking PUMPED! Football, Broomball, Parade, Animal House, Cheerleading Competition, and THE DANCE!!!!!!!! My cousin Adria was coming down from Windsor to stay at my house for the weekend and we had some serious PARTY plans!!! My gorgeous and slightly older boyfriend was having a pre-party! WOOOOOO - HOOOOOOO! So we were all set up!The night BEGAN with me using my brain. You see, I always have the best intentions...until I lose my way...but I digress---

So...insert potential problems ----
-Gorgeous Boyfriend lives on same street as Tara
-Tara's parents are VERY strict and VERY suspicious...
-Party is taking place on front lawn (in retrospect...a bit trashy?)

But no biggie, right? Cause I got a plan! So, I force my beautiful cousin who is being swarmed with guys on the prowl for "outside of Chatham charm" to sit in the drive-way behind a parked car so as not to be seen by the drivers-by (in retrospect...a bit trashy?) So, this was working perfectly with our "boys" serving us drinks and hanging out and stuff....UNTIL, I start feeling a bit crazy...and they're playing my song (Pour Some Sugar On Me - by Def Leppard) --- and I just HAVE to dance! So, with my beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other (I'm an all or nothing girl---tis my tragic flaw!) I start twirling and laughing and lip-syncing - "POUR YOUR SUGAR ON ME - COME ON FIRE ME UP!" on my boyfriend's front lawn (in retrospect...a bit trashy?) When all of sudden, from across the road, in the CHURCH parking lot, a pair of high-beam headlights glare onto the party landscape. Everyone's all like, "Dude, turn the lights OFF man! Why you gotta be like that?" But not me! I'm all like; "I'm hot hot-- so hot-- sticky sweeeeeet---from my hey hey head---to my feet --yeah! Do you take sugar? One lump or two??????"

I am slightly jarred out of this euphoric state when I hear a man's voice YELLING out my name:
"TARA, GET OVER HERE!"
But I am on another planet, and I'm all like; "YOU come over HERE!!!"
And then I realize that it's my father's voice!
"TARA - GET OVER HERE NOWWWWW!!!!!"
I stop dancing like an idiot! I start crossing the road while playing centre-stage in the white spotlights of our Chevy Impala.
The "Party-ers"---(my adoring fans)---gawking at the plot-twist, when I realize that I am still carrying my beer and cigarette.
(Drop-Drop - SMASH! Whoopsies, I wonder if my parents noticed???)
"GET IN THE CAR!!!"

And THIS folks, is my fade-to-black ending for any future "Red Feather" fun. As I open the car door, my mother's voice RIPS into the still air:

"I thought YOU were a CHRISTIAN girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

(Kill me. --- NOW PLEASE!)

Peace, Love and It was my FIRST time trying it ----I SWEAR!!!
xoT.

Guess What I Got???

Yep! A scanner...

Peace, Love and Living in the Dark Ages!
xoT.

Home-Home

I am in Chatham. The C-dot! errr something...

I came home to see my Tom play the role of John Proctor in Theatre Kent's production of THE CRUCIBLE by Arthur Miller. I will be attending the theatre tonight, and am anxious to see Tom in John. (figuratively speaking, of course...)

On my lovely drive home (did anyone else witness that gorgeous pink and orange sunset?), I pondered the concept of growing up in a place like Chatham. I thought about the plethora of brilliance that lives there and that which has leaked out into other parts of the world. The inter-connectedness of it all. Sure, we Chathamites are the first to laugh at ourselves. We toss around criticisms here and there, acting all butch about our roots, but LOVE is braver than our tongue, and everyone loves their HOME. "Home-Home" is what we folks call it, when we no longer reside. "Home-Home" is how we decipher Chatham from where we actually lay our heads at night. I'm going "Home-Home"...

I have composed a TOP TEN LIST of sure signs that you "did some time" in Chatham:

10. You don't have to be a sport's fan to know who Fergie Jenkins is! (Gosh, I wished that sign said --- HOME OF TARA DUFFY----oh come on!, YOU know you've all inserted YOUR name once or twice!)

9. You often hear your own voice saying, "It's in between London and Windsor".

8. It doesn't matter how many Beautiful Baristas you surround yourself with, you still feel oddly attracted to good ole TIM HORTONS! (did you know that Chatham has the largest number of Tim Hortons locations per capita than any other city in Canada?)

7. Two words --- RED FEATHER! --- The concept of this weekend bash ("We've got Broom-ball, We've got Broom-ball *clap-clap*!) made you want to pee your pants with excitement when you were in grade 9!

(“Red Feather Weekend” is the United Way of Chatham-Kent's single largest special event fundraiser. This special weekend, totally devoted to the high-school students of Chatham-Kent, is completely organized by the United Way of Chatham-Kent’s Youth Committee. Did anyone know that I was on that committee in 1991? I will have to insert photo-proof when I get my scanner!)

6. Two more words for you: GOOSE NECK! ("Fire's Burning. Fire's Burning. Draw Nearer. Draw Nearer. In the Glowing. In the Glowing. Come sing and be merry...." - beach parties!---ahhh GOOD TIMES!)

5. You still say, "Let's go to 'the mall'. (There's was only one...)

4. You still say, "Let's go to 'the show'. (There's was only one...)

3. You are absolutely CONVINCED that we are the home of the BEST NACHOS in the world! (I don't even have to name it, because YOU KNOW!)

2. The words; NAVISTAR, UNION GAS, and RM RESTORATION are somehow connected to you in six degrees or less.

1. You DEFINITELY lost a summer or two to the title of DETASSLER! (gosh, you might even have blossomed into a CREW LEADER...)

Peace, Love and Salem Witches! (Tara Good)
xoT.

More Geekdom - 2 for 1- Deal!

Picture books are good for a reason! Everyone likes to look at pictures. When I visit various myspace pages with slide-shows, I tend to get pretty loopy looking. I stare at the computer with this goofy smile on my face as I watch kids I know, slightly grown up, smiling and being their beautiful energetic selves. I love it! Pictures also have the ability to "pimp up" a story!

So this is my next techno-endeavour...to buy a scanner (because getting a digital camera would just kill all the suspense of waiting for your pictures to develop and it would also encourage the 'obsessive gal' in me - as I would be endlessly re-taking pictures until I found perfection --- which we all KNOW doesn't EXIST....right?)

And secondly, I must learn how to add the pictures to the blogspot...

NEW COURSE OFFERING!!!
Remedial Computers 101
Professor: Dr. Duffy
Number of Students - 1
Class List: Tara Duffy

Oh, it's gonna be SWEET! Anyone wanna take it with me? I heard that the professor is techno-moronic (I don't know what that exactly means, but it sounds SAVVY!) I think there might be a couple of spots left, but you'd better hurry--- cause I heard---it's fillin' up FAST!

Peace, Love and Pimpin' up my Blog!
xoT.

Another Day Bites the Dust!

And another one's gone and another one's gone...another one bites the dust!

So...I'm thinking that MAYBE blogging EVERYDAY is a bit of a stretch?!? I must admit that my intentions are ALWAYS the best...and that SOMETIMES I just can't keep up with my bad self...you know?

Yesterday, or the day before (I am just living in the world of "not knowing"...), I fell asleep and woke up to the sound of a re-run of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT seeping out of the television. I actually woke up to the sound of my own giggle! Does anyone else miss that show like I do??? Ahhhhh Buster, and Job, and Maybe....and of course George Michael....I miss those cats!

Basically I have been obsessed with getting a MYSPACE page into action. (It's supposed to be the WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIFE---or am I mixing that up with something else?---anywhosers it's apparently the shiznit of networking). I know, I've turned into a geek...(now I know half or more of you are cocking your heads in disbelief saying in your mind's ear..."TURNING???? WHY DUFFY, I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU---BUT YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A GEEK!") Ok, true...but I managed to get this Blogspot running all by my lonesome----and that is very impressive to ....well--- ME! But back to MYSPACE-----it just isn't that Duffy-User friendly----and of course I want all the stops---like fancy backgrounds and funny music playing....and all that jazz! So...I have some old students of mine feverishly trying to keep up with their University workload/partyload AND my MYSPACE needs...THANKS CRYSTAL and E-RON!!!

I'll keep the rest of you posted on the myspace thingy---I want it to be PERFECT when I direct you there!

Peace, Love and IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!!! (Job's opening music to his magic show! Maybe it should be my entrance music as I walk towards Conan O'Brien!?!?!!!!!)
xoT.

Yesterday, Came Suddenly...

Forgive me Mother/Father, for I have sinned. I missed a day!

Yesterday was my first day back to work after a week and a half hiatus!!! Good for my soul and bad for my bank account...

So many people have emailed me with requests to re-visit my "History Teaching Days"...seriously folks, those were dark days for me...this is how I cope with adversity----Laugh the pain away! Laugh the pain away! Comedian by night (insert plenty o' wine) Tragedian by day (insert hang-over). Is it any wonder that I drove to school bawling and slamming my steering wheel, blubbering out the same plea every bleary-eyed morning? "Don't make me goooooooooo! Don't make me goooooooooo! Don't make me goooooo!" Who was I talking to? God? Are you there? It's me, Tara...

Hello?

(I once heard that "pain" was God's megaphone. Over and Out big guy, LOUD AND CLEAR!)

When I started teaching the infamous History class, they had just finished a 2-week period of different supply teachers everyday! Bonus --- so THEY rule the class! I'm sure those teachers only had one thing in mind - (Don't die. Don't die. Don't die.)

So needless to say, I entered a real life version of "Dangerous Minds" --- and my goal was to inspire them just like Michelle Pfeiffer did! With History --- (oh there's gotta be comedy in there somewhere...) Hello? I teach DRAMA and DANCE! and like--- FUN STUFF! What is this? I don't remember ANY of this...which doesn't seem to be a problem for them...the first assignment that I TRY to collect either didn't get handed in OR I felt like I was playing cryptic-quote to decipher what the HECK was on the page!

(class starts at 8:50)
By 9:10am - Typical Scenario:

"F**K, F**K, F**K YOU! YOU F**KING C**T BYTCH! F******************K!!!!!!! (slams door on way out, breaking glass window!)

"Sweet!, Does anyone else want to join him?" (Don't ask that unless you mean it!)

Again, needless to say, I had to be a bit of a "tough act" for the first month. And we did find some sort of structure --- THEY LOVED IT WHEN I READ TO THEM FROM THE TEXT BOOK!----AND THEY LOVED COPYING OUT DEFINITIONS!---AND THEY LOVED FILL-IN-THE-BLANK WORKSHEETS THAT MATCHED PAGE NUMBERS FROM THE HISTORY SCRAP BOOKS! Ah yes...we were having a gay ol' time! (And the "Teacher of the Year" award goes to.....SOMEONE ELSE! (Don't die. Don't die. Don't die.)

So one day, I am reading from the text book (just to try something new), and the class starts losing their minds laughing.

Me: What's so funny? (probably paranoia on my behalf that I just pronounced something wrong??? --- Treaty of Versailles? Vimy Ridge? WHAT?)

Them: Look at the picture Ms.!

Me: What?

Them: Never mind! (giggle giggle giggle)

Me: OK, are we finished?

Them: Yep

Me: (Resume reading...)

Them: (giggle giggle giggle---FULL ON LAUGHING THEIR FACES OFF!)

Me: Why do you guys need SO MUCH ATTENTION???? What is going on?

Them: (suppressing giggles galore!)

Me: Let's try to be mature! (Scanning the picture for anything that might be considered "dirty" ---- but it's just a photo of Barbara Ann Scott in her skating get-up...and I see nothing! --- so I continue to read from the text book)

Them: (Peeing their pants laughing. Faces red! Tears coming down their faces ---- I have clearly lost control!)

Me: What is SO FUNNY? Just tell me! In fact, I enjoy a good laugh too!

Them: Ms., look at the picture!!!!!!!!!!

Me: What?????????? I don't see anything! ( I start scanning the usual suspect areas --- breasts, loins... and maybe there's a shadow on her bikini line, and they might think it's hair?????) Oh, come on guys!!!! It's just a shadow!!! Grow up!

Them: Ms.!!!! She's got CAMEL-TOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: (I look back at the picture, and they are right! She has camel-toe! ---- And I know that I am supposed to be the mature one, and I'm probably not even supposed to think that this is funny....but when 2 or more gather???!!!...good times! I lost it! I laughed so hard, I almost squirted! Of course, it was like laughing even though you know you are going to get into trouble....like I was TRYING TO STOP....but I couldn't! And when I finally did----I opted for reading from the text again ---- only to stop one sentence later to close the book crossing my legs in laughter---which of course encouraged theirs.....and we were one big LAUGHING FAMILY!!!

I am wholeheartedly convinced that the "camel-toe" moment bonded us for life, and they REALLY didn't seem to give me any trouble after that...in retrospect, I wished that it was some inspiring heart-warming tale of breaking walls down and such...but it's NOT! So that is that! Perhaps it made me more human in their eyes to see me breaking with laughter unable to stay focused (much like their entire existence)! And to this day, when any of these students pass me in the hall-way, they just whisper , "Camel-toe!" --- And they know that the DUFFY -LAUGH will be a guarantee!

Peace, Love and Barbara Ann Scott!
xoT.

Please Sir, Can I Have Some More?

Part of my assignment for the next couple of weeks until our next meeting is to watch as much stand up comedy as possible. Today I re-visited my favourites. Dane Cook made me laugh the Duffy laugh in a big bad way!!!!

Please post me a comment with your favourite comedian and/or a link that I can watch.

And just so you know ---I LIVE for your comments!

Peace, Love and Shut the FFFFFFFront Door!
xoT.

I'm Surprised You Didn't Know That!

3 things you might not necessarily know about me:

1. My mother's maiden name is Gales---so this makes me double-Irish!

(This morning I awoke with a strong awareness/presence of my grandmother, Helen Gales. This is pretty strange because by the time I could engage in meaningful relationships she was very ill, so I wasn't able to get to know her very well. My mother has always described her as funny-funny-funny and full of sparkle! *Maybe she is reaching out to me in support of this project...maybe.* As mentioned in my "I love" blog, I love chunky rings, especially costume jewelery. Apparently so did Helen. My mother gave me a handful of my grandmother's wild, eccentric and beautiful-gaudy rings. I love them! This morning I wore this outrageous amber and lime green wild-flower ring. *many compliments! --- people probably feel that they have to say SOMETHING after they've been gawking at my hand for SO long...* - and one of the things that I TRULY love about church-- is that when you leave your precious sentimental gaudy-beauty ring in the washroom because you took it off to wash your hands-- it's still THERE when you return in a panicked state much later! SEE!!!---life IS like that VISA!!!)

2. I'm not an animal-lover.

(Right away this turns people off. I can see it in their eyes before they are able to suppress it with their fake judging smiles. It makes them think that I am cold...or worse, cruel. But anyone who truly knows me, KNOWS that I have veinfuls of love in my heart. I think I can trace the dis-ease back to my very first pet. A dog that I named LUCKY. That's right, you heard me, LUCKY DUFFY!!! He died of heart-worm, and I was devastated! He also suffered from epilepsy. And I can assure you that his episodes traumatized me. So that's it---no animal-love for me please. So when my brother spilled the news last night at our "Cruelly Comedic" meeting that my mother just "got a new puppy named Molly and she's sooooooo cute, wanna see a picture, isn't she sooooooo adorable????" - - - - - - - - - - I have to admit my first response was, "well, I guess I have to cancel my visit home!" But this morning I picked up a message on my cell phone and this is what my mother had to say:
"Hi honey, it's your mom! I'm wondering if Scott told you the big news? If not, you're going to want to call me right away. It's pretty exciting! And just to give you a hint, I'm not engaged and I'm not pregnant!" ---Seriously! - and I wonder where I get my crazy quirkiness from????? So, needless to say, I will be exercising my love capacity for little Molly...)

3. I cracked my head open.---so I REALLY am a CRACK-HEAD!!!

(I was a child-gymnast. This statement alone makes me want to laugh. Gold Medal --- Floor Routine - oh yeah --- "Chariots of Fire" ---- it's a VERY dramatic song *dun-dun-dun-dun-dun -dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun - da naa naa naa naa naaaaaaa - da naa naa naanaaaaaaaaaa*, AND because I have a memory of an elephant - I can mentally still do the routine...oh yeah, CAN TOO!!! *operative word being "MENTAL"--- but as you all know, the goddess had other plans for me and I morphed into, "I'M JUICY!!!! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY, I'M JUICY!" *picture my trasher-girl voice* - too curvy for a gymnast - but I still got the moves baby - it's just that some of them really hurt when I do them....anywhosers, our teachers planned a very exciting field trip to the local GYMNASTIC CLUB - *it's big-time! - well at least when you're 10*, and we were able to experiment with all the professional equipment! Good Times! I came upon this 'skateboard - ramp - type - row - thingy' which had a huge sign attached - "DO NOT USE!" Ok, so a couple of things about me; The cat got me before I was even born ---CURIOUS is my middle name! And also, I don't like to be told "NO". Fast forward about 30 seconds and I am prying my head from a metal track. I grab the back of my head and take a brisk walk to the washroom, where I stand in shock for what feels like hours filling the small space with my bright red 10-year old head-blood. And this was my only thought --- Oh my God, I'm going to be in sooooo much trouble!!!!)

Peace, Love and 16 Stitches! (that was a GOOD look for me when I shaved my head...)
xoT.