Shoulds

I should have went to Ecuador with O. I should have braved through teaching an English class or two. I should have banished McDonald's from being my part-time lover. I should have taken my frustrations out in the gym instead of the bottle. I should have never been introduced to credit. I should have spoke my mind a lot sooner. I should have learned my lesson the last time. I should have gotten off the hamster wheel ride. I should have been more morally sound. I should have been less lazy. I should have said no to N. I should have been less scared. I should have listened more. I should have talked less. I should have said sorry.

Peace, Love and Everything happens for a reason... right?
xoT.

Sleepy-ness

I love the "ness" words like: Yum-ness, Good-ness, Yes-ness...

But tired-ness is what I feel.

I can hardly make the drive home without falling asleep at the wheel-----and remember people I am driving home at 3:30pm!

-----WHAT-NESS?

And then upon arrival home-----I can barely make it past 6ish----and I am making my way to the bedroom...(I'll just watch a little bit of TV...) and then the phone rings and I startle awake and think---'for gosh sakes ----who is calling at this gosh-forsaken time?'---and then I notice the clock and it's 7:15pm----

-----WHAT-NESS?

Yes, I am falling asleep before 7ish.

Is this behaviour:

normal-ness? average-ness? common-ness? regular-ness? habitual-ness? routine-ness? standard-ness? typical-ness? usual-ness? accustomed-ness? ordinary-ness? methodical-ness?
natural-ness?

OR

sick-ness? delicate-ness? down-ness? dragging-ness? feeble-ness? ill-ness? run-down-ness? unsound-ness? unwell-ness? weak-ness? depressed-ness?

Peace, Love and Sweet Slumber!
xoT.

A Snowy Day Initiates...

Tea with an old chum. A good book in an easy-boy chair. An afternoon nap on the couch. A game of scrabble with a sweetheart. A cup of hot chocolate with marsh-mellows. Gazing into the fire with a glass of red wine. A sweaty love-fest. A walk through the park all wrapped up in your favourite warm scarf. Pajamas and an entire season of a new TV series on DVD. Writing and writing and writing every last uninterrupted thought. A catch-up conversation on the phone. A big bowl of chili and garlic bread. Turtle-neck sweaters. Cozy-ness. Comfortable lounge pants. Looking at old photos. Watching the snow fall while listening to your favourite music. Tobogganing. Skiing. Making a snowman. Snow-angels. Noticing your exhalations. Thinking. Painting. Singing. Dancing. Playing. Flipping through magazines. Making mixed CDs for people you adore. Playing dress-up. Dealing with clutter. Cuddling. Skipping out. Baking. Discovering new recipes. Surprising someone. Doing a yoga video. Facebook-ing. Scrap-booking. Reading the paper in your favourite neighbourhood cafe. Meeting friends for fancy coffee. Crafting a love letter. Remembering. Scratching things off your list to do. Spending time in your local library. Blogging. Low Attendance. Working on crossword puzzles. Hibernation. Slowing down. Bus cancellations. School Cancellations (yeah right!). Planning winter get-aways. Romantic notions. Silly-ness.

Peace, Love and the Winter Welcome Wagon!
xoT.

Mental Health

I just finished watching a dramatization on Gambling with my grade 11's in the Cafetorium. Although I was more than happy to have someone else entertain the little hoodlums, I also found the experience raised some unrelated questions for me.

At first the presentation was being up-staged by the dish-washers in the cafeteria----and my first thought was---I'm jealous of their job...WHAT? I'm a teacher and I want to be a dish-washer??? YEP!

Then when I finally adjusted to the constant interruption of voices and clanging of dishes in the cafeteria---- I thought, noooo....I'm jealous of their job----Yes-- the performers.

And then I thought...(back to the clanging dishes)....Hey those sounds remind me of summer camp----I want to go back to summer camp----maybe I can get a job at some summer camp this year----or wait----no----I want to join Habitat for Humanity and go help out some 3rd world country----you know, become more 'others-centred' and less 'self-centred'...and then I thought nooooo...I definitely want to finish writing MY show and perform it here in Toronto this summer----so yeah back to ME...

And then it hit me-----this show is shit! I can't believe these people get paid to travel and perform---duh---EXACTLY what I WANT TO DO-----and here I am wardening the masses in Scarlem shit-spectating-----I could do a better job with my students as the performers...yep, no jokes!

And then my thoughts were interrupted by an explosion of laughter....and I think---oh no I've missed something funny---shit ---I LOVE to laugh----but then I remember where I am and I immediately KNOW that whatever it was-----it probably won't be funny to me...and there it is again---the laughter that is------and this is what had our audience in stitches----every time the presenters mentioned the CENTRE FOR ADDICTION AND MENTAL HEALTH---the students would bust a gut at the word MENTAL.....yep...true story.

Travel and Perform---those were the days...I long for another tour.

Peace, Love and go MENTAL!
xoT.

L.T.O.

As I drive in the morning to school (1 hour plus) I quite often drift in and out of a buffet of discovery and thought. This morning I realized that I am an LTO of life.

So here's the acronym breakdown (because I too hate when people speak in them...while you nod and try to de-code everything they are saying....meanwhile losing track of what they are actually trying to communicate...)

LTO -- is a Long Term Occasional teaching contract. This means you are not a full time member of the board. You are required to act as though you are in every possible way however when they are done using you, they do not have to give you another position nor do they have to pay you for holidays etc.

This is the main means of the TDSB (Toronto District School Board). And one certainly has to question what kind of future they are trying to build. Occasional equals non-permanent.

And this got me to thinking about how everything in my life feels non-permanent. Although I have had wonderful romantic relationships in the past and have always been a long term relationship kind of gal---I have never been a permanent one. I enter knowing there will be an exit (probably dramatic). I long for the connection and security of a long term relationship, yet I fear the finality of PERMANENCE or "happily ever after". I also have never lived in a city longer than 2 years as an adult. I have this insane 2 year itch. (I gotta go----I'm fading in----Must leave---Grass will surely be greener!!!)

AND IT NEVER IS...

My whereabouts are boundless.
I thought it was what I wanted.
What I needed.
How I thrived.
Unattainable seeks ball and chain...

Peace, Love and S.N.A.F.U.!!! (L.O.L.!!!)
xoT.

Looking on the BRIGHT side...

As the Monty Python song would sing: "Always look on the bright side of life!" (whistle whistle whistle whistle...)

And I am. That is my goal for today. To be positive.

Yes. (well that's a start right?)

I have first period prep.
I therefore have last period prep as well.
Wednesday is hump day.
Only 2 more days until Friday.
I am going to 'Princess' (girls doing Prince covers) tomorrow night with some of my fav. peeps.
I haven't see my students yet.
I have 10 more minutes of silence.
Thank you.

And speaking of bright---I drive into the east in the morning and the west in the evening. That's a lot of BRIGHT-ness in my eyes.

Time for new sunglasses! There is nothing glamorous about choosing new sunglasses is there?

Select a pair.
Put them on.
Lift the tag that falls directly in the centre of your face.
Which by the way blocks your sight...
IRONIC?
Alanis Morissette thinks so...
Look into that tiny mirror and try to picture how you would look without your hand between your eyes.
It's hard to tell what you look like when you're cross-eyed...no?
Sometimes, for extra fun, I accidentally stab my eye with the tag...
It's hard to tell what you look like when you're bleeding from the eye-ball...no?

Peace, Love and Brightness/Luminance/Radiance!
xoT.

SNAFU

So, I've created this silly little alternative to complaining. Whenever I catch myself complaining (see: all the time!), I simply interrupt myself with a repetitive noise that sounds much like the voice of the teacher on Charlie Brown.

It serves it's purpose: to remind me to laugh it off and to admit to others (and myself) that I am aware of how much I complain. (Wann-wann-wann...)

So forgive me for contradicting my preamble...but if I just write "wann-wann-wann" through this entire blog, it probably won't hold your interest and you certainly won't be able to empathize or sympathize or apologize or ...whatever!

I am in such a BAD mood! I haven't been able to tap out the "why?" just yet...

WAIT FOR IT...
WAIT FOR IT...
WAIT FOR IT...

S. N. A. F. U. !!! Yes I am in a total SNAFU!

Teaching = Situation Normal
Crack-Babies = ALL F-ed UP!

I have to remind myself that it's not their fault. I have to remind myself that they are extremely needy. I have to remind myself not to take it personally. I have to remind myself to take one day at a time. I have to remind myself that their self-esteem is incredibly low. I have to remind myself that this is a learning experience. I have to remind myself not to take things for granted. I have to remind myself that I am only one person. I have to remind myself to be patient. I have to remind myself to breathe. I have to remind myself not to give up so easily. I have to remind myself to practise what I preach and leave my own "shit' outside of the classroom doors. I have to remind myself to use my "acting skills". I have to remind myself to suck it up. I have to remind myself that June is only 8 months away. ONLY?

So...when one brave student questions: "Mzzzzzzzzz.....why are you so bitchy today?"

I think to myself...

WHAT?? Why are you picking on me? Why you gotta call me out like that? I wasn't doing anything! What? Just 'cause I''m not smiling like a freaking pig in poop? Just 'cause I'm not trying desperately to engage you with my enthusiastic - energetic - expressive - superhero teacher-ness???----now--- I'm BITCHY???? Maybe if you tried smiling at ME---or I don't know...NOT complaining about everything I ask you to do----or stopped saying the F word 16 times per sentence----or actually complete an assignment ----or quit making weapons in woodshop class---- or stopped bragging about how many 'chicks' you've "mined" ------or TRIED even just a little---or studied for a test----or CARED even just a little-----or---

Peace, Love and WANN---WANN---WANN...
xoT.